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PARALLAX: Contest Extended

After much consideration and comments (both public and private) I’ve decided to extend the Parallax contest until we sell 1,000 copies of the book. This will guarantee that someone will win a trip to the set of THE FIXER television series-so we need to sell MORE books! Thanks to all of you who contacted me-the [...]

After much consideration and comments (both public and private) I’ve decided to extend the Parallax contest until we sell 1,000 copies of the book. This will guarantee that someone will win a trip to the set of THE FIXER television series-so we need to sell MORE books!

Thanks to all of you who contacted me-the response was overwhelming and deeply gratifying, especially considering the rave reviews you’ve all given the book. As an author, you all mean the world to me and your feedback has been priceless. Thank you so much.

So, to reiterate the contest details: We’ve already reached the 100-copy level so someone will shortly be getting a copy of Rogue Angel:Sacrifice. And since I’ve lowered the grand prize TV set trip to the 1,000-copy level, I’ll lower the lifetime copy of Jon’s books prize to just 500 copies.

  • 100 copies: Free copy of Rogue Angel: Sacrifice written by me
  • 500 copies: Copies of every book I’ve ever written and will ever write
  • 1,000 copies: A trip to the set of THE FIXER TV series (all expenses paid from anywhere on Earth)

Okay, so get your copy of the book and then tell your friends to do the same. I want this thing to be big and get even bigger than it has been up to this point. I need your help & support to make it happen. So let’s get rockin’!

Order a copy of PARALLAX in the following formats: .pdf, .rtf, .epub, .mobi, and as zipped HTML files. You order that direct from me by clicking the button here (please specify the format you want):

You can also get it for your Kindle right out on Amazon. Click Here to Buy PARALLAX at Amazon.com

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The PARALLAX Contest: Results Thus Far

It’s been a few weeks (uh, a month already?) since I announced the PARALLAX contest and the deadline was supposed to be the end of April. You’ll recall there were 3 levels of giveaways associated with the contest – at 100 copies sold, 1000 copies sold, and then the big prize at 2,000 copies sold. [...]

It’s been a few weeks (uh, a month already?) since I announced the PARALLAX contest and the deadline was supposed to be the end of April. You’ll recall there were 3 levels of giveaways associated with the contest – at 100 copies sold, 1000 copies sold, and then the big prize at 2,000 copies sold.

Well, sales haven’t exactly worked out. I’ve sold a few hundred copies of PARALLAX (which for an experiment with an ebook is pretty decent) and while the feedback has been utterly amazing-including all the 5-star reviews on Amazon-sales simply haven’t reached the levels I was hoping for.

So, I have a decision to make: I can either extend the contest for another month and implore all of you to get your friends and family to buy a copy of PARALLAX or I can simply end the contest and do the giveaways for the Rogue Angel: Sacrifice book and forget the 1,000-level and 2,000-level prizes since we didn’t get enough sales. The problem is, I really really want to give away that trip to the set of THE FIXER. It will be a ton of fun and I think you’re all very awesome and someone deserves that kind of excitement in their life.

The question is-if I extend the contest deadline another month, will it be enough to get more people into buying PARALLAX or is it going to be just me pimping the book endlessly. I guess I’m asking for your help here. If enough of you can get more people excited about the book and can send more customers to me whether directly or through Amazon, then we’ll have something great happening. But if I’m the only one pushing the book, it’s probably not going to lead to an overwhelming number of sales.

As I said at the start: this is an experiment with ebooks. I’ve been curious about them for a while and I’ve met a great number of new readers as a result of this, for which I am truly thankful and humbled. But I need your excitement about PARALLAX to go viral now and infect hundreds of new readers. If each of you who has bought a copy can get 5 new readers to buy PARALLAX, then I’ll drop the 2,000-level and make the trip to the set of THE FIXER TV series at the 1,000-level instead.

So if you can take a few minutes and give it some thought, I’d appreciate it. Drop me a line on Twitter or Facebook or email or comment below what you think we should do. I say we, because it’s a decision we make together. No author is an author unless he/she has readers. So we do this together. If you think it’ll be better to simply end the contest now, give away the Rogue Angel books and be done with it, that’s fine. But I’d personally rather stay in the ring and go another round.

If you’re of the same opinion and want to know how you can help, the best thing to do is talk to friends and family about buying copies. Post reviews on Amazon.com or any other book reading sites you can think of. Blog about PARALLAX. Interview me for your blog (doesn’t matter that it’s not the Huffington Post, I’m always happy to answer questions and talk with you). Direct people to this blog so they can order.

1,000 copies isn’t much-I think we can do it. And I really want one of you to come visit us on the set of THE FIXER!

Let me know. Thanks!

And once again, if you’re reading this and want to get PARALLAX…you can order a copy in the following formats: .pdf, .rtf, .epub, .mobi, and as zipped HTML files. You order that direct from me by clicking the button here (please specify the format you want):

You can also get it for your Kindle right out on Amazon. Click Here to Buy PARALLAX at Amazon.com

 

The PARALLAX Contest

So here’s the deal: I’m trying to sell TONS of copies of my latest suspense thriller PARALLAX as an ebook. It’s a big experiment for me-testing the waters, so to speak. So I’m going to sweeten the deal to get you to buy and then tell your friends to buy it as well. Right now, [...]

So here’s the deal: I’m trying to sell TONS of copies of my latest suspense thriller PARALLAX as an ebook. It’s a big experiment for me-testing the waters, so to speak. So I’m going to sweeten the deal to get you to buy and then tell your friends to buy it as well.

Right now, you can order a copy of PARALLAX as an ebook in the following formats: .pdf, .rtf, .epub, .mobi, and as zipped HTML files. You order that direct from me by clicking the button here (please specify the format you want):

You can also get it for your Kindle right out on Amazon. Click Here to Buy PARALLAX at Amazon.com

AND if you don’t like PayPal, Twitter users can now use TWITPAY to pay for PARALLAX as well via an Amazon Payment account.

I’ve tried to make it available on virtually every e-reader. But some of you may not have had a chance to read my work before. So here’s where I tempt you with the fruit of another…

My latest Rogue Angel book, SACRIFICE is still about six weeks away from hitting the book stores. I, however, just received a number of copies in yesterday’s mail. As the author, I get a few of them to hang on to, put on my wall, admire them, that sort of thing. It’s nice, right?

Well, I’m giving a bunch away.

Here’s the poop: order a copy of PARALLAX within the next few days (this weekend to be exact) and if we get 100 orders, I will choose five (5) people at random and send them this gorgeous Rogue Angel paperback, signed by me.

Order PARALLAX direct from me by clicking the button here (please specify the format you want): OR Click Here to Buy PARALLAX at Amazon.com OR Click here to use TWITPAY

But wait, this little experiment gets even better. If we sell at least 1,000 copies then in addition to giving away some copies of SACRIFICE, I will also choose one person at random to receive a copy of every book I’ve ever written and every book I will yet write. My entire collection both past, present, and future. All signed by me. You get the books in whatever form they come out in. An entire author’s collection of over a dozen books already published, and many MANY more to come.

Order PARALLAX direct from me by clicking the button here (please specify the format you want): OR Click Here to Buy PARALLAX at Amazon.com OR Click here to use TWITPAY

Oh, and one final bit of bait, if we get over 2,000 orders, one person will be chosen at random to come visit the set of THE FIXER, the television series I’m producing (based on my Lawson Vampire novels) for a full day and will have a walk-on role for one of season one’s episodes! Insane, right? Yeah, my business partner thinks so, too. But we will fly you from anywhere on the planet to visit us in Boston. We’ll put you up in a luxury hotel and you will get to hang with the cast and crew of the show for a full day of shooting. We’ll get you glammed up for your on-screen shot as well. THE FIXER is a multi-million dollar professional production. This is the real deal, folks.

So get out there and get your friends to come and buy a copy – and here’s why you should: the person selected to win the trip to the set of THE FIXER will be bringing along a friend – YOU! If you refer someone who buys a copy of PARALLAX and they then win the trip to THE FIXER, you’re coming along as well. Same star treatment, same great time, and you get a walk-on role as well!

Order PARALLAX direct from me by clicking the button here (please specify the format you want): OR Click Here to Buy PARALLAX at Amazon.com OR Click here to use TWITPAY

This is crazy stuff, right? Well, I need to see if there’s a market for my material as an ebook and this is how I’m going to test the waters. But I need your help. So, I’d really appreciate you buying a copy of PARALLAX, either from me or Amazon, and then getting every last one of your friends to buy a copy as well. These are some pretty cool prizes. And PARALLAX is a pretty damned cool book. Here’s a rundown of what it’s about:

What happens when two professional assassins – one a Mafia hitman and the other a former German terrorist – kill at exactly the same moment in time? For Ernst Stahl and Frank Jolino the result is a psychic bond that slowly blossoms in each man’s mind, enabling them to see into the other’s world. Frank Jolino doesn’t like what he sees, especially when he realizes that Stahl is headed to his home turf of Boston to kill a scientist who may hold the key to solving the world’s deadliest diseases. But for Stahl, there’s no other option. Virtually bankrupt and with his son in desperate need of a bone marrow transplant, he’s got little choice to take the assignment. Jolino has other ideas. On the run from his crime syndicate for refusing to kill his ex-girlfriend-turned-government-informant, Jolino sets a plan in motion that will bring the two men face-to-face and gun-to-gun…with no
guarantees either will survive.

Elite assassins.

A psychic connection.

One inescapable destiny.

PARALLAX

Order PARALLAX direct from me by clicking the button here (please specify the format you want): OR Click Here to Buy PARALLAX at Amazon.com OR Click here to use TWITPAY

Free Rogue Angel books, a free collection of books by Jon F. Merz (past, present, and future) and not one but TWO trips to set the set of THE FIXER complete with WALK-ON ROLES.

I’m a total nut job.

Crazy.

Completely nuts.

Buy PARALLAX. My doctors say it’s good for me. Then tell your friends. It’s good for you!

Order PARALLAX direct from me by clicking the button here (please specify the format you want): OR Click Here to Buy PARALLAX at Amazon.com OR Click here to use TWITPAY

SPECIAL NOTE: Throughout the month of April, I’ll be doing smaller giveaways of my previous novels and swag from the upcoming TV show THE FIXER (based on my Lawson Vampire novels). Everyone who buys a copy of PARALLAX is automatically entered to win both the smaller giveaways and the larger overall contest! Tons of winners! Get your copy of PARALLAX today!

PS: If you’ve already ordered from me direct, then you’re already entered to win! And for anyone buying from Amazon for the Kindle, just forward me a copy of your receipt to jonfmerz AT verizon DOT net to enter the contest! THANKS!

CHAPTER ONE (Sample from PARALLAX)

Revere, Massachusetts – 6:55PM

     The first thing Gia ever said to him was, “You’re Patrisi’s hitter.”
     She’d already known. And Frank, still marveling at her blue eyes, brunette hair, and full lips, found himself struck dumb for the first time in his life.
     Eventually, he’d found his voice. And things got better from there.
     For a time.
     The last thing Gia ever said to him was, “It was fun. Sort of.”
     Then she was gone.
     Movement to his left drew his attention back to the present. The kid sitting next to him had decided he needed a cigarette. Frank’s voice cut through the darkness.
     “You don’t smoke when you’re getting ready to kill a man.”
     Bobby froze. The cigarette floated in the space halfway to his mouth. “I heard you had to give ‘em up. You turned preacher now?”
     Frank watched the red brick-faced bar through the January downpour and frowned. Nasty weather to kill in, he decided. “Health’s got nothing to do with it. A lit butt looks like a flare in the night.”
     “So?”
     Frank sighed. Don Patrisi asked him to do this favor. But babysitting the transplant from Philadelphia and his cavalier attitude grated on Frank’s nerves. “So, our boy sees a red cinder in a dark idling car across the street, who the hell’s he gonna suppose is out there waiting for him? Not the Publishers Clearinghouse people.”
     The cigarette vanished. “You really the best, Frankie?”
     “How old are you, kid?”
     He could sense Bobby shift in his seat, drawing himself up. Frank never stopped watching the bar.
     “I’m twenty-four.”
     Barely out of diapers, thought Frank with a smirk. “First off, don’t ever call me Frankie. To you, my name is Frank. Or Mr. Jolino. Never Frankie. We clear on that?”
     “Yeah.”
     Frank let the silence hang for a few seconds. “Do yourself a favor, don’t ever go through life thinking you’re the best at anything. You know why?”
     “Why?”
     “Because there’s always someone out there been doing it longer and better than you have. Start thinking you’re the best, someone’ll show up and prove you wrong.”
     “Okay.”
     “Do your business the best you know how. Learn from those you can learn from. Maybe pass on a bit of that knowledge to the next generation. Live humble, kid. The world’s already got enough prima donnas.”
     Bobby’s head bounced like an eager puppy. “Yeah, but are you really the best?”
     Frank glanced at him, sighed again, and then went back to watching the bar. Another spate of rain sloshed down on the windshield, turning the neon sign across the street into a melting swirl of pink and purple.
     He pressed his spine into the seat cushion. Truth was, he wanted a cigarette, too. But he’d dropped them a year ago. Right after the quacks told him to either quit or die within six months from a series of massive heart attacks.
     Frank hated kicking the butts to the curb. All his heroes smoked. Mike Hammer, Sam Spade, Nick Ransom, all of them – they all smoked. Of course, in the pages of pulp fiction there weren’t such things as heart attacks and lung cancer. At least not for those guys.
     But for Frank? Mr. Myocardial Infarction lived right around the corner. Lung Cancer hung out on the front stoop. And Emphysema had his phone number on speed-dial.
     So Frank ditched the tobacco.
     In the distance, bloated clouds hugged the Boston skyline pissing down raw January misery. Cold. But not cold enough for snow, thought Frank with a sigh. He liked snow. Its virgin white made him think some things in nature couldn’t be corrupted.
     Human nature, though, that was something else entirely.
     “Turn the heater on.”
     Bobby flipped the switch. As a rule, Frank didn’t keep the engine going. Idling cars ranked just above lit cigarettes on the Stupid Moves Scale. But he made an exception tonight. If they didn’t keep the engine hot, they’d be stepping out every ten minutes to relieve their cold-constricted bladders.
A rush of heat poured from the vents. Frank directed them down at the floor and cracked his window to defog the windshield.
     He glanced at the dash clock. Just after seven. Next to him, Bobby tried stretching his legs.
     “Stay loose, kid. He won’t be much longer.”
     Bobby nodded once. Curt. Sullen.
     Kid hates my guts, thought Frank. He grinned. So what? He wasn’t here to make friends. Fear and hatred were the foundation you built respect on – at least in the Family.
     Frank waited. Plugging Vito Vespucio wasn’t what he’d wanted to do on a freezing drizzly night like this. Curling up with the old Raymond Chandler first edition he’d bought from an antiques dealer on Beacon Hill sounded a lot better.
     But a job was a job.
     And to Frank, the job was everything.
     Almost.

* * *

Munich, Germany – The Same Time – 1:55AM

     “It’s leukemia.”
     Stahl felt the office lurch; its walls billowed like sails and then shrank in toward him, a fist crushing his world. Cancer? Impossible. But he seemed so healthy. He looked so healthy, even.
     “What are the options?”
     “Treatment, of course. A bone marrow transplant is the best method we have available. But it’s costly. You do have insurance?”
     Stahl glanced up, biting back the surge of emotion. “You’re callous enough to ask about money at a time like this?”
     “No, no.” The doctor leaned back, hands coming up. “It’s just that if you aren’t able to afford it, there are certain alternatives we could discuss. I wasn’t implying-“
     Was it that visible? Could everyone see just how broke Stahl truly was? That his bank account had a grand total of seventy euros in it? That he had electricity and gas bills months overdue? He’d stretched what he had as best he could, but it wasn’t enough. The stress of trying to keep his head above water, of providing a life for his son, it was breaking him.
     No.
     He didn’t have insurance.
     He didn’t have much of anything. Except a broken past. And a handsome son who’d taught him more about love than any woman ever had.
     Now this.
     Leukemia.
     Stahl felt dizzy. He closed his eyes and opened them again, settling his gaze on the doctor. “Schedule the transplant. No matter what it costs.”
     “Are you sure?”
     Stahl took a breath, steadier now. “My son gets the very best care. He’s all that I have left.”
     “Herr Stahl!”
     The doctor’s office vanished; its white walls replaced by a frigid darkness that enveloped him.
     “What?”
     Next to him, a thin rickety man shivered behind the steering wheel. “Herr Stahl…p-p-please, could we turn the heater on?”
Stahl checked the slide on his Beretta. Again. In the darkness, the gun looked longer thanks to the homemade suppressor he’d fashioned earlier. Good for six shots. Plenty more than he’d need.
     “No. You don’t want our prize seeing us out here, do you? You don’t want him to get away again, do you?”
     “Of course, not. I only thought-“
     “I know. It’s cold. It’s freezing, in fact. We might even see some snow.” He nodded outside. “But this man has not eluded capture by being stupid. He will hear us. Maybe he will even smell the car engine. And then he will know. He will know we wait for him.”
     “Forgive me, this is…unusual for me.”
     Stahl smiled. “Not used to dealing with criminals, are you?”
     “Certainly not. Nor am I used to dealing with men like you, Herr Stahl.” He coughed once. “I don’t even know if that is your real name.”
     “Does it matter?”
     The answer came quick. “No, no. I’d rather not know.”
     “Let your anger be your warmth,” said Stahl. He peered at the red brick tenements bordering the alley, towering over the car they sat in. At this time of night, darkness bled from all the windows.
     The thin man’s teeth chattered. “This man must not be allowed to live another day.”
     “How many?” asked Stahl.
     The man frowned. “According to what the Polizei told me, twenty. Most of them between the ages of sixteen and twenty-two.”
     “No evidence?”
     “None. He is meticulous in his task. The Polizei believe he uses drugs to subdue his victims first,” the older man shuddered and coughed again. “Before he begins.”
     “He’s compulsive,” said Stahl. “Addicted to his work – it’s his passion.”
     “There is nothing passionate about raping a young woman, Herr Stahl.”
     “Of course not. I’m not implying what happened to your daughter was anything but the most heinous of crimes.”
     “Thank you.”
     “Still, to capture prey, you must first understand them. You must be able to see the world through their eyes. Only when you see their world will you know how to catch them.” He nodded. “And kill them.”
     The man pointed at the pistol Stahl held. “You’re sure it will not be heard?”
     “If the tubing is fashioned correctly, the washers inside will break up the gases and the wadding will dissipate the noise. This small a caliber doesn’t sound like much more than a firecracker anyway. The tubing will cut the noise down to a vague muffled pop.”
     “We must leave as soon as it is done. You understand that?”
     Stahl’s eyes narrowed. “I have no intention of staying around.”

* * *

     Frank grunted.
     Across the street, the maroon door opened. “Heads up.”
     Bobby straightened, alert now. “He’s early tonight, huh?”
     “He’s early every night,” said Frank. “He stops by the bar, has a drink, takes that dame up to the Tailwind Hotel on Route One for an hour, bangs her brains out – or as best he can manage – and then heads home to tuck his kids in bed by nine. Real family man, this guy.”
     “Not after tonight,” said Bobby with a grin.
     Frank watched Vespucio walk through the slush. The blonde ornament clung to his arm like a wet newspaper.
     He fixed Bobby with a hard stare. “Wait until I cross the street. When I get behind him, you drive around. Let him hear the engine. See the car. Long as he sees you, he won’t see me. Not ‘til it’s too late.”
     Bobby nodded.
     Frank stared at him for another second mentally willing the young gun not to screw things up. Then got out of the car. His shoes slid into the muddy slush, sinking two inches into the grime. He ignored the sudden cold biting through his cotton black socks and stinging his feet. He’d learned to shut off discomfort a long time ago. He checked for oncoming traffic and hurried across the street.
     Vespucio walked leaning into the blonde. She must have hydraulic jacks for arms, thought Frank, being able to support that much flab.
     The parking lot sat twenty yards away, surrounded by a rusty chain link fence that bowed out in certain sections.
     Frank closed the distance. Readying his mind.
     Vespucio wasn’t a big fish. He was a small-time bookie working for the Patrisi family. But Vespucio thought that since he flew under radar the Don wouldn’t care if he skimmed a few grand from the books.
     Vespucio thought wrong.

* * *

     “There. That is he.”
     Stahl nodded. He looked just like his photograph. Perhaps forty years of age, thin, balding on top with thick glasses. He didn’t look strong but Stahl knew that appearances deceived. A weak man could explode in strength if the situation called for it. Stahl himself had adopted the guise of a weak nobody many times in the past. And each time such instances had ended terminally for those who had underestimated him.
     “This won’t take long,” said Stahl. “Crack your window. As soon as you hear the first shot, start the motor.”
     “I thought you said I wouldn’t be able to hear the shots.”
     “You’ll hear something, for God’s sake. Not much, but something. Now do as I said.”
     Stahl pulled the door handle and slid out of the car.
     The cold night air embraced him.

* * *

     Ten yards.
     In the zone now, Frank fell into step behind them.
     His hand – still in his overcoat pocket – gripped the pistol.
     Sights and sounds registered like simple check marks in a type of staccato log.
     Bobby’s car engine slid into drive.
     Headlights bounced over him.
     The engine gunned as Bobby stomped the accelerator.
     A loud bump as the car jumped the divider and came down with a scrape.
     Ahead of Frank, Vespucio turned.
     The headlights drew parallel with the sidewalk.
     Frank walked faster.
     Vespucio looked at the car.
     Frowned.
     He knows, thought Frank. He knows it’s on.
     Vespucio turned.
     And saw Frank.
     Frank drew his hand from his pocket, already thumbing the safety off and leveling it on Vespucio’s head.
     Vespucio’s eyes went white.
     Blood sank out of his face.
     The blonde screamed when she saw the gun.
     But Frank didn’t care about her. He only cared about Vespucio.
     He took a deep breath and exhaled it slow, starting to squeeze the trigger.

* * *

     Stahl covered the distance quickly. He bounced into the side of the alley, stumbling as he walked. He giggled.
     The man looked up, suddenly hurrying to open his door. He fumbled with his keys.
     “Excuse me,” said Stahl. “Is there a pub around here that’s open at this ungodly hour? I need a drink in the very worst way.”
     The man looked up. Stahl could see the tension in his face.
     But Stahl kept smiling. Always smiling. He was just an innocent drunk after all. Just a foolish man who’d had a few too many and wanted a few more before calling it a night.
     The man hesitated but then grinned. “I think there’s a place around the corner.”
     Stahl put his hand out to the man’s shoulder. “I cannot thank you enough, my friend.”
     And then he shoved him back against the doorjamb, twisting the man’s body as he did so. His keys skittered to the ground.
     Stahl’s hand came up aiming the Beretta between the man’s eyes.

* * *

     Frank squeezed the trigger.

     Stahl squeezed the trigger.

     Again.

     Again.

     Even as their bullets found the heads of their respective targets – something rocked both Frank and Stahl. An explosion of pain surged through their skulls; a roar like standing next to a jet engine filled their ears; their vision blurred and then blackened.
     Then the roar faded.

     Frank opened his eyes. A dead bald guy with two entry wounds in his skull looked up at him with vacant eyes. Blood and bits of brain splattered the nearby doorjamb.
     Where the hell am I?

     Stahl opened his eyes. He saw the fat man dead at his feet, blood already mixing with the cold rain that coursed along the gutter. Next to the body, a scantily dressed blonde screamed.
     In…English?
     Stahl frowned.
     He was in Germany – wasn’t he?

     Another explosion roared in their heads; another wave of pain crashed down.

     Frank’s eyesight clouded.

     Stahl grabbed his head.

* * *

     It cleared then. Frank saw the terrified tart on the sidewalk before him.
     He saw Vespucio.
     Dead.
     Two tiny holes punctured his forehead.
     Frank took a shaky breath and trained his .22 on the blonde. “You know me?”
     She shook her head like a rattle. “N-n-no.”
     “If you ever do, I’ll find you.” He stared at her once more for effect.
     He pocketed the gun and slid into the car.
     Next to him, Bobby whooped and jumped on the gas pedal. “Wow!”
     The car shot away from the curb. Frank took a breath. “Slow down. I don’t want any cops pulling us over for speeding for crying out loud.”
     The pain in his head lingered, but diminished quickly.
     In the rearview mirror, he could still see the blonde screaming for help. Vespucio’s body filled a large portion of the mirror, but it kept getting smaller. Like the pain.
     Bobby took a corner and the image vanished.
     What the hell happened to me back there?

* * *

     Stahl’s vision cleared. He was back in the alley. The rapist lay dead at his feet, a long trail of red blood scarred the white entryway. The bullets had exited the rear of the man’s skull, jetting bits of gray matter about. Odd that the .22 rounds had exited the skull. They usually stayed inside and danced around the cavity. No matter, the rapist was dead.
     He heard the car come up.
     Stahl turned and slid into the front seat. The pain in his head subsided. He nodded at the older man. “Let’s go.”
     “He’s dead?”
     “He won’t be raping any more children in this lifetime,” said Stahl.
     He glanced at the doorway one last time.
     That pain. Those images. That roar.
     What had just happened to him?

Order PARALLAX direct from me by clicking the button here (please specify the format you want): OR Click Here to Buy PARALLAX at Amazon.com OR Click here to use TWITPAY

 

PARALLAX .pdf ebook AVAILABLE!

What happens when two professional assassins – one a Mafia hitman and the other a former German terrorist – kill at exactly the same moment in time? For Ernst Stahl and Frank Jolino the result is a psychic bond that slowly blossoms in each man’s mind, enabling them to see into the other’s world. Frank [...]

What happens when two professional assassins – one a Mafia hitman and the other a former German terrorist – kill at exactly the same moment in time? For Ernst Stahl and Frank Jolino the result is a psychic bond that slowly blossoms in each man’s mind, enabling them to see into the other’s world. Frank Jolino doesn’t like what he sees, especially when he realizes that Stahl is headed to his home turf of Boston to kill a scientist who may hold the key to solving the world’s deadliest diseases. But for Stahl, there’s no other option. Virtually bankrupt and with his son in desperate need of a bone marrow transplant, he’s got little choice to take the assignment. Jolino has other ideas. On the run from his crime syndicate for refusing to kill his ex-girlfriend-turned-government-informant, Jolino sets a plan in motion that will bring the two men face-to-face and gun-to-gun…with no
guarantees either will survive.

Elite assassins.

A psychic connection.

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Excerpt #2 from novel-in-progress

Here’s another bit of that novel I’m working on right now. Hope you dig it. If you do, drop a few bucks to me via Paypal for my Holiday Toy Drive for Needy Kids. Info here: Jon’s Kick Ass Wicked Pissah Holiday Toy Drive Chapter Two New York City, One Week Later       Through the [...]

Here’s another bit of that novel I’m working on right now. Hope you dig it. If you do, drop a few bucks to me via Paypal for my Holiday Toy Drive for Needy Kids. Info here: Jon’s Kick Ass Wicked Pissah Holiday Toy Drive

Chapter Two

New York City, One Week Later

      Through the foggy aftermath of another gin-soaked night of binging, the clock radio’s incessant alarm needled its way into Quinn’s molten dream world of warped faces, empty eyes, and soundless screams. He came awake arms flailing and fighting the invisible intruders. Finally, one of his hands slammed down on the snooze bar and the white noise of a New York morning reclaimed the air. Quinn’s eyes closed again, but sleep had already deserted him. He took stock. Wet. Cold. Clammy. Whatever he’d drunk last night had spilled out of him – sweated out through pores Quinn figured must have been the size of silver dollars to soak the sheets so.
      He stank.
      Before he’d kicked the butts to the curb, Quinn’s morning aroma had resembled the stench of a two-week corpse left rotting in the humid sun of an equatorial afternoon. Now, he only had the booze to contend with.
      One of these days he’d make it a banner year and give up drinking all together. One of these days. He smirked. It wouldn’t be any time soon. Not unless he could figure out some other vice to keep the demons at bay. Drugs were out. Sex was too risky unless he could find a partner who had the same raging libido he did. So far, no luck. And masturbating didn’t thrill him the way it had back when he was a fourteen year-old kid jerking off watching the leotard-clad dancers on Solid Gold.
      His hand slapped down on the snooze bar again, cutting off the alarm before it had a chance of destroying the relative calm of the morning.
      He eased himself into an upright position slowly. No sense puking first thing in the morning and dehydrating himself even more than he already was. His legs emerged from the tangled sheets and slid over the edge of the bed, feet reaching for the cold wooden floor.
      Standing now, he felt like too much liquid still sloshed against his insides. Maybe his kidneys and liver needed an overhaul. Or maybe he should just stop drinking once and for all.
      Yeah. Sure.
      Quinn knew he was unlike a lot of other alcoholics. He had a drinking problem. A big one. He knew this. And he admitted it, if only to himself. No sense denying it, he mused. Not when it absorbed so much of who he was.
      He could focus himself if he needed to, especially if it was for work. He liked working. He craved work almost as much as he craved the booze.
      But work had been absent lately. Nothing much came by way of his email. Nothing popped up on the various bulletin boards he frequented. No new messages teased him from his voicemail. It was as if the world had moved on and forgotten there had once been such a person as Quinn Daniels.
      Once.
      He hadn’t been famous because fame was what he’d been taught to avoid. He hadn’t been wealthy because money never stayed with him long enough to grow.
      But Quinn once had power.
      Power over himself was what they’d taught him. Being able to see the challenges and meet them head-on. Conquer them or devise a way to bypass them in such a way that the ultimate goal was never compromised. Once he’d learned their lessons, there seemed nothing he couldn’t succeed at once he put his mind to it.
      He sat down on the toilet and let his bladder empty. No way did he trust himself to be able to stand during the five-minute piss. He was far enough along in his alcohol abuse to know what his limits were and where his weaknesses lay. Standing with one arm holding him up seemed absurd when he could just sit down and relax.
      He could feel the need to move his bowels. But not just yet. He’d get some breakfast and orange juice into his system before he had what he affectionately called his “PDD” – “post-drunk-dump.”
      Quinn flushed the toilet and padded out to his kitchen. The condo he owned sat on the Upper East Side, paid for several years back after he’d come back from a close-protection job in Egypt. He’d put a substantial down-payment on the place, but he still had a mortgage.
      Out of the refrigerator, he took the big jug of Tropicana orange juice, tilted it and his head back and drank it down deep. He took out the eggs and ham, set them cooking in the griddle and at the last moment, plopped two slices of American cheese onto the ham, waited a minute for it to start to melt and slid the whole concoction onto a plate. He mixed everything up until the runny yolk, melted cheese and ham were all combined. Then he sat down, flipped on the television and started eating.
      Vapid morning shows.
      He’d never understand why so many people felt a need to show up outside of a television studio and hold up a sign while the camera whizzed past them. Were they thinking this was their fifteen minutes of fame? Was this what they’d dreamed of? Being pandered to by some half-assed moronic host while they spoke about their anniversary or how today was the first day they’d managed to walk and breathe at the same time?
      He flipped the channel to The Military Channel and caught a special on Pararescuemen – one of the United States Air Force special operations units that never got much in the way of publicity. He smirked. He knew the feeling. And more, he respected the Air Force for keeping its secret units out of the media as much as possible.
      Quinn’s doorbell buzzed. He frowned. He wasn’t expecting anyone this morning. Hell, no one ever usually showed up at his door. He didn’t have any family. No relatives.
      He picked up the intercom receiver. “Yeah?”
      “Mr. Quinn?”
      Jimmy the doorman from downstairs who never used Quinn’s last name. “Yeah, Jimmy?”
      “Got a woman here says she knows you.”
      “Yeah?”
      “Got a badge, too.”
      “Cop?”
      “Uh huh.”
      “She got a nasty manner about her?”
      “Definitely.”
      “My dreams have been answered. Send her up.”
      “Thank you, sir.”
      Quinn replaced the receiver and went to his front door and unlocked it. Then he went back to the kitchen, sat down, and ate some more of his breakfast. As he ate, he slowed his breathing until he could feel the minute shifts in the air of his apartment. He waited and then turned at just the right moment.
      “Hey.”
      Deb stood in the doorway of the kitchen, her Beretta aimed at Quinn’s head. She wore a smile and her eyes gleamed. “Give me one reason why I shouldn’t just kill you now.”
      “My sparkling personality?”
      “You lost any trace of that years ago.”
      Quinn shrugged. “I’m pretty good in the sack.”
      Deb lowered her gun. “Only if you haven’t been drinking. Otherwise you can’t get off at all. Stiff as hell, yeah, but there’s no end.”
      “Some women, they wouldn’t complain about that.”
      “Only the ones who have 30-second blitzkrieg fucks. Anything beyond two minutes is sheer bliss for them.”
      “But not you.”
      Deb came over to the table and sat down. “You ever had a piece of wood jammed up your ass for three hours?”
      “Well, there was that Iraqi incident. But no wood was involved.”
      She eyed him. “You lying again or is that a real war story?”
      “My secret.”
      “Well, Mr. Secretive, trust me – you don’t want to be pumped for three hours and have no spectacular finish. Even the horniest of us will get dry by the end of the first hour.”
      “Great visual.” Quinn finished his orange juice. “So, my dear, what brings you around this morning.”
      “It’s almost noon, Quinn.”
      “Morning being the relative term, then.”
      Deb slid her gun back into her holster. “You working on anything right now?”
      “I was giving serious consideration to trying to bed you for three hours.”
      “Yeah, I wore the skirt just for you.”
      “How do you run in that thing?”
      “I don’t. I got a perp, I use my feminine wiles to get them to stop and then I shoot them if they run.”
      Quinn smiled. Deb’s short brown hair and bright blue eyes would make any man stop. He’d seen her in action enough times to know. There were very few men who wouldn’t pause if she gave them one of her come-hither looks. Quinn had been on the receiving end of enough of them.
      “I think the National Organization for Women might like a word with you over that rather antiquated sentiment.”
      “Fuck them.”
      “No thanks.”
      “You never answered my question.”
      “About work? I’ve got a meeting scheduled for later this week. Nothing on right now.”
      “You want something?”
      “Why not?”
      Deb leaned closer until her face was only about six inches from Quinn’s. “There is one thing, though.”
      Quinn leaned closer. “Oh?”
      Deb frowned and pulled back. “You got to lay off the sauce until it’s done.”
      “I have been.”
      “Don’t bullshit me. You drank last night. I can smell it on you.”
      “Well, I haven’t showered yet. And you know how beer is.”
      “Quinn, you don’t drink beer.”
      “Maybe I’ve started.”
      Deb stood. “You see? This is why we never worked as a couple. All the lies. It’s like you don’t think of anyone as being smart enough to know that you’ve got yourself a real problem.”
      Quinn sighed. People had the kind of emotional baggage I’ve got, it’d be wonder if they didn’t have a problem, themselves. “All right, I had something to drink.”
      “I need you sober on this.”
      “What’s the job?”
      She looked him over again and Quinn knew she was trying to decide if she should even bother. After a moment, she sighed. “Obviously it’s not something the department can handle…properly.”
      “So a gorgeous homicide detective for the New York City police department comes to a washed up old soldier with her unorthodox problem.”
      “You old now?”
      “Feels like it.”
      “Then some action might just be the Fountain of Youth for you.”
      Quinn licked his lips. “What’s the scoop?”
      “You’re eating-“ Deb studied his plate. “…something.”
      “It’s that bad?”
      She slid an envelope on the table. “Knowing you, you’ve seen worse. I would have waited if I’d known you were eating and all.”
      “My fault for getting up late.” He opened the envelope and two photographs slid out onto the table. Black and white and grainy. It took Quinn a moment to figure out what he was looking at.
      “Am I seeing that right?”
      Deb’s painted fingers pointed at the top picture. “We found him earlier this week. He was the first.”
      “And this guy?”
      “Last night near as we can place time of death. A little old lady found him this morning while she was out walking her Pekinese.”
      “Shame.”
      “Yeah. I would have figured her for a pug.”
      “You know who they are?”
      Deb nodded. “First guy is Antonio Delineo. Worked for the Campanella family out of Brooklyn up until six months ago when he got bored killing people for them. He went out on his own with the family’s blessings.”
      Quinn looked at the picture. “Maybe they were happy to be rid of him.”
      “Probably. His specialty was using a rock hammer on skulls.”
      “Charming.”
      “And not exactly keeping with the Mafia’s attempts at a new and legitimate persona.” She pointed at the picture. “Someone did him, though.”
      “An old victim?”
      Deb looked at him. “All his old victims are in the ground somewhere.”
      “Friend or relative of a deceased?”
      “Doubtful. Look at the size of him. Pretty damned intimidating even for the most outraged soul.”
      “So, what was he working on when he got tipped?”
      “Protection work for Frankie the Seal.”
      Quinn whistled. “Ah.” Frankie the Seal, so named because of his incredible ability to skirt the law and never end of in jail. Frankie peddled young girls to anyone who wanted them, usually charging an incredible amount of money for looking the other way. His whores usually ended up dead, scarred, or deranged forever. It made Quinn wonder why anyone would ever choose to work for him.
      “Guess he kinda failed, huh?”
      “Looks that way.”
      Quinn stared at the picture again. Antonio’s face and skin were withered beyond his years and completely white. His lips were drawn back in abject terror, eyes popped out of their sockets, dangling by their optic nerves like a bad cartoon.
      Deb flipped the photos. “And this is Frankie.”
      Quinn’s eyebrows waggled some. He looked at the second picture. “Can’t even recognize him.”
      “Yeah. The damage on him seems worse than on Antonio.”
      “If that’s possible.”
      Frankie’s face was even more withered and pale than his protector. By the look of it, Frankie’s eyeballs had exploded. A mess of dark goo coated his cheeks and ran down into his neck and shirt. His hands had formed claws, frozen in rigor mortis like an extra from a George Romero flick.
      “Any idea what did this?”
      Deb took the pictures back. “You’ve used some special weaponry before. Those black bag jobs you used to do.”
      “Me?”
      “Don’t be coy. This isn’t the time.”
      Quinn shook his head. “Never seen anything like this. I don’t even know what could make an eyeball explode that way, short of being shot.”
      “No bullet wounds anywhere. The ME is mighty annoyed these stiffs defy conventional wisdom.”
      “And you want me to figure out what did this?”
      “Who.”
      He looked at her. “Why care at all? Someone’s obviously taking out some of the city’s most deserving scumbags. Seems to me like a good idea.”
      “Yeah, well, the vigilante side of me agrees. But the ‘sworn to protect’ side of me – and it’s a bigger side – knows we’ve got to stop this person. But first we need to find out why.”
      “So you come to me.”
      “Yeah.”
      Quinn drank some more juice. “It’s a bad world out there.”
      “I can pay you.”
      He glanced at her. “Oh, I’m not worried about that. I know you’ve got my bank account numbers from the last time.”
      “I need you on this, Quinn. Before someone else gets killed. It’s obvious we’re dealing with something…unusual here.”
      “You know, I don’t exactly relish the thought of my eyeballs exploding.”
      “Why would you? What with being so busy trying to make your liver explode instead.”
      “You’re not playing nice this morning.”
      Deb kissed him lightly on the lips. “You’re concerned about your eyeballs? So watch your back.” She stood and walked to the door. “Call me when you have something.”
      He watched her go and stared back down at the table where the photos had been. He could still see the images staring back up at him. His stomach rumbled. His tongue felt thick.
      He needed a drink.

© 2008 Jon F. Merz      All rights reserved.

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Donate to My Toy Drive & Win a Trip to the Set of THE FIXER!

First a quick word of thanks to all of you who have joined Jon’s Kick Ass Wicked Pissah Holiday Toy Drive for Kids (http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=37824219123). It’s great to see so many of you out there already and we’re only one day into this… As you know, every dollar counts in this season of economic hardship. I [...]

First a quick word of thanks to all of you who have joined Jon’s Kick Ass Wicked Pissah Holiday Toy Drive for Kids (http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=37824219123). It’s great to see so many of you out there already and we’re only one day into this…

As you know, every dollar counts in this season of economic hardship. I don’t want a single child to go without the joy of receiving a gift this year and I’m serious about raising as much money as humanly possible.

So here’s the poop: for every dollar you donate through the group page – whether through Paypal or by mail – you get one chance to win a trip to the set of THE FIXER, the new TV series my buddy Jaime and I are producing through our company New Ronin Productions. So, kick in $10 bucks and you get ten chances. $25 gets you 25 chances and so on. (People who have already donated are automatically entered to win…)

You don’t have to be a US citizen. We’ll fly you in from anywhere and you’ll get to visit the set of THE FIXER. We’ll put you up in one of Boston’s best hotels and you’ll get to have dinner with the cast and crew. We’ll make sure to load you down with tons of swag from the set as well, including a copy of the script of the episode we’re filming at the time signed by everyone on the cast. You will have a helluva fun time.

So take a moment and donate. You can Paypal your donation direct to me at jonfmerz@verizon.net or mail it to me at the following address:

222 Causeway Street
Medfield, MA 02052 USA

Make checks payable to me since this isn’t something too formal, just my annual drive to try and help out.

I’d also appreciate it if you could help spread the word about what I’m doing. Tell your friends and get them to join us. The more people involved, the better. And with a shot at winning a trip to visit the set of THE FIXER, it just makes it all the better.

Thanks for your time and generosity!
-Jon

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Writing Updates

It’s been a while since I posted news about what I’m working on, so here’s a brief recap: 1. I have one more Rogue Angel novel to complete and then I think that will be that. I will have written eight novels for the series and frankly, I’m a bit burned out on the character. [...]

It’s been a while since I posted news about what I’m working on, so here’s a brief recap:

1. I have one more Rogue Angel novel to complete and then I think that will be that. I will have written eight novels for the series and frankly, I’m a bit burned out on the character. They were fun and quick projects for me and the folks at Gold Eagle/Harlequin are awesome. They’ve been my favorite publisher to work with thus far and are lightning fast on contracts, payments, and feedback – all of which are awesome for a writer. I hope to do some other stuff with them, so we’ll see…

2. I’ve partnered with a great friend of mine to flesh out a new project that I will cryptically call “HOTW” for now. It will feature a strong female lead in a great setting that should appeal to a huge demographic. We’re pumped about it. It also doesn’t hurt that my friend works with Ridley Scott, which si complete awesomeness in and of itself. More news as it becomes available.

3. This same friend actually brought me on to help write another project with him and this one is about ready to boil. It’s already a comic series (and no, don’t ask because I don’t want to spoil the fun) with a sizeable following and is being actively pursued by several companies as an episodic cartoon series. I’ll be handling the novels and also working on the cartoon itself. It’s great stuff.

4. I’m actively working on SECOND CHANCE (working title) and enjoying getting back into it. I’ve been toying with this book for several years and it’s well past due that I finish the thing and get it out into circulation. It’s a standalone as far as I can tell (although you never know what the future holds) and mixes my usual genre frappe of fun and craziness. I’ll excerpt a few more chapters as December progresses. You can find the prologue a few posts back.

5. We’re slated to start shooting THE FIXER TV series in February. January will be devoted to much planning and finalizing of all sorts of things relating to getting fully up to speed. Needless to say, this has taken us longer than we expected, but it’s going to be a truly awesome project. We should have some more footage to release shortly, so stay tuned to the official website at http://www.thefixer.tv and don’t forget to join the Forums over there as well!

That’s it for now. I’ve got some other stuff to talk about, but will hold off doing so for the time being.

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How To Beat The Flu – Part 2

Yesterday, I wrote about my number one weapon in the arsenal of flu and cold beaters: the neti pot. But like any battle, relying on just one weapon or technique would be foolish. Winning a struggle is the combination of several tactical maneuvers applied with maximum effect such that it becomes a viable strategy for [...]

Yesterday, I wrote about my number one weapon in the arsenal of flu and cold beaters: the neti pot. But like any battle, relying on just one weapon or technique would be foolish. Winning a struggle is the combination of several tactical maneuvers applied with maximum effect such that it becomes a viable strategy for success. So, in order to beat the flu, you need a few more tools.

Today, we’re going to look at sleep.

I’ve always found it fascinating that we enter the peak season of germs and sickness when the weather gets cold and the days get shorter. Yet, while the rest of the natural world senses a slow-down, as humans, we’re supposed to keep up the same frenetic level of activity as we go about our daily struggle to survive and prosper.

Many animals hibernate or at the very least reduce their awake hours drastically. This is obviously a means of survival for them, but it’s also interesting from our perspective.

How much sleep did you get yesterday? The general consensus ranges on what constitutes an optimal amount of sleep from 7-9 hours per night. This amount supposedly enables the body to rest and recuperate from the strain of the previous day, repairing the shattered cells that limp through our bloodstreams and preparing us for the next period of being awake.

But is this amount realistic? In our modern world, many people tend to get far less sleep. And many will only bank six hours per night, leaving them at least sixty minutes shy of what the health experts recommend. The result is usually obvious, especially when many people tend to get drowsier in the winter months. Those yawns and sighs and stretches are key signals that your body needs more rest. And if you deprive it long enough, your weakened body will be susceptible to attack.

Think about it this way: your body is your fortress and your immune system is the guard standing along the ramparts. Keep the same guy out there for eighteen hours and you will have one ineffective guard. Get him off of the wall and rested and he’ll be more alert and able to fend off the invaders.

Now, trying to secure a slot of time between 7-9 hours isn’t always feasible or realistic. I count myself lucky indeed if I can get a 7-hour slot of sleep. So you need alternatives.

Like a nap.

Naps don’t have to be long to get the benefit they offer. Often, just resting your eyes and “dipping” into that less-awake/semi-asleep pattern for even fifteen minutes will give you an added boost while helping your body stay healthy. In the service, we called them “combat naps” or “cat naps” and if we could grab them in the midst of a brief respite in our tasks, we were incredibly grateful for them. The effects are astounding, especially since you’re not fully asleep. Being able to tap into that state is incredibly valuable.

So, if you work in an office or a cubicle and don’t have the luxury of stretching out on a bed, how do you grab one? If you’ve got an office, simply shut the door and set your cellphone alarm for a quick fifteen minute nap during lunch. If you’ve got a cubicle, see if you can borrow a conference room. (I haven’t worked in an office in a long time, so I’m not sure what the possibilities are.)

Once you train your body to steal a few minutes here and there, you’ll be amazed at where you can do it. Now obviously, given my interest in self-protection, I don’t recommend doing this out in public where you need to stay aware. But it is possible to get extra rest throughout the day. And you should.

Personally, I think that humans have a hibernation instinct as well. Like many other instincts we used to have, the grind of modern society has dulled them until we’ve almost forgotten they exist. Hibernation is simply another tool of our personal survival, like being able to sense the presence of danger.

In the event you get sick, sleep is one of the most potent things you can do for your body. Give it an abundance of rest so it can divert its resources away from the stress of your usual daily activity to fighting off the infection. By enabling your system to concentrate its forces on the site of attack instead of spreading itself thin, your chances of success are that much greater.

Make sure, as well, that you’re properly situated when you do go to bed. Lie flat, not propped up (if possible – if you’re suffering from sinus congestion, lying flat isn’t always an option) so your body is leveled out and your heart doesn’t have to work as hard to pump blood everywhere. Get under the covers, even if you’re a little warm at first. Your body temperature normally comes down a few degrees when you sleep and you will get cooler.

Turn the TV off! The last thing your body and subconscious need is to have television shows and commercials playing in the background reminding it of what you’re trying to give it a rest from. The goal is to put yourself into an altered state, which is what a sleeping pattern is. Take a rest from everything. If you’re the kind of person who needs something audible in order to fall asleep (I like the white noise generated by a small fan) then opt for a soothing bit of music that you can program to loop. But turn the volume down low.

The key to obtaining deep levels of recuperative sleep is to almost put yourself into a sensory deprivation experience. It’s no coincidence that we naturally close our eyes and remove our most relied upon sensory input while we rest. Nor is it unusual that we generally breathe deeply through our nose and take our mouth with its ability to taste offline as well. We don’t normally paw about the bed, either. That’s three of the five down. Three less inputs demanding attention from our neurological system. Think about how much “power” that saves.

Special forces units in the former Soviet Union used to all go to sleep in the same way: tongue on the roof of the mouth behind the upper teeth, eyes closed and rolled up, and lying on their backs with their hands either clasped over their stomachs or at their sides. This was found to put their bodies into deeper rest quicker than by any other means.

It might well be worth studying your own sleep habits to determine how you best fall asleep. I always start on my back and then just before I drift off into deeper sleep, switch to sleeping on my side since it means I’m less likely to snore and make noise. But that’s just me.

Sleep is vital to life. And it’s vital to your battle against sickness. Take some extra time and reap the benefits of being non-awake. Your body will thank you.

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How To Beat The Flu

It’s flu season and that means the timeless battle between staying healthy and feeling like crap has once more reared its head. The pharmaceutical companies trot out the usual array of medicines that treat the symptoms or the shots that address last year’s various strains. But there’s little that can be done to stave off [...]

It’s flu season and that means the timeless battle between staying healthy and feeling like crap has once more reared its head. The pharmaceutical companies trot out the usual array of medicines that treat the symptoms or the shots that address last year’s various strains. But there’s little that can be done to stave off the influenza virus. Right?

Wrong.

Last year I had a horrible sinus infection that lasted about two months. I went early on to the doctor and, of course, got a prescription for antibiotics, which didn’t work. I was miserable. My sinuses were a wreck and this virus then spread to my upper respiratory system. I hacked up a rainbow of mucus and wondered how the hell I was going to get rid of this particular infection.

In late October, my brother-in-law’s mother, Fran, saw me at a family event where I was my (by then) usual “bag of shite” (as my friends across the pond like to say). She mentioned her own battles with sinus infections and then told me about a little thing that had made all the difference in the world. And I’m going to share it with you today.

It’s called a neti pot.

Now, before you start rolling your eyes, hear me out. I don’t consider myself any type of yogi. I’m most assuredly not a vegetarian, macrobiotic, or overly New Age. And as a result of my background, I tend to come from the “try-it-and-if-it-works-once-keep-trying-until-we-can-trust-it” school of thought. But I also know that the simplest solutions are also sometimes the best.

I went to my local CVS and found a little box called “Sinu Cleanse” over on the cold/flu aisle and picked it up. Inside was a small neti pot, which resembles a tea pot of sorts. It also came with a plastic spoon and twenty packets of salt. I think it cost about ten bucks.

Back at home, I opened it up and set about reading the directions. The idea being that you fill the pot with warm water, mix in one packet of salt, and then insert the tip of the neti pot into one nostril, tilt forward until the water flows up your nasal passage and then flows out of the other back into the sink. The idea is that the salt water cleanses the passages and removes all the gunk inside.

Why is this important? Growing up, my father told me that the three main ways you get sick are through the eyes, the nose and the mouth. People tend to rub their eyes and transfer infection into the tear ducts. The air we breathe is also rife with germs and most of those get lodged into the nose, which uses hairs to trap larger particles. But the smaller ones find a nice warm, moist home in the mucus lining of your nasal passages.

The neti cleans house. Literally.

Not only does it clean the passages, but it also makes that mucus lining inhospitable to germs seeking to set up shop there and then invade the rest of your body.

Within a day of using the neti pot last year, I was finally on the mend. It took a little bit of continued effort to dislodge the infection (the old Napoleonic theory was that it took three invaders to dislodge one dug-in defender) but it finally yielded. And I was convinced.

I have continued using the neti pot over the last year. As a result, any colds or bugs have not been able to take root in my body for long. As soon as I start feeling like something’s coming on, it’s straight to the neti pot and then I follow that up with about three more sessions over the course of the day. (It’s safe enough to do up to four times per day without damaging your sinuses). And that is usually enough to knock whatever germs I’ve gotten out.

As I said, I’m not preaching out of some New Age philosophy here. The medical community has actually embraced sinus flushing as a viable means of staying well. And I can tell you that it works. I intend to steer clear of flu shots and I haven’t taken any over-the-counter medicines since last year because I haven’t needed to.

Please note that there are also types of saline inhalers that you can buy that you stick up your nostril, pump some saline up and then that’s supposed to be it. I don’t like those because they don’t provide a constant flow of water over the passages. Stick with the neti pot. When you run out of salt packets, use kosher or sea salt.

It takes some time and practice to get it down to where it works for you. I’ve had to adjust the amount of salt I use because I overloaded one time and it stung like hell. But I tell you, this thing works. I’m amazed at it, but it makes perfect sense.

When I went through survival training, the instructors always harped about hydration. In the field, when you urinate, it should be clear and not stink. If it’s dark and smelly, you’re dehydrated. I view the mucus in the same way. If you blow your nose and see a Skittles package on the tissue, you’ve got some gunk that needs cleaning. The mucus should be as clear as possible.

I don’t neti everyday, but this time of year I increase the frequency. You’ll find it comes in handy at other times as well. Doing yard work with the lawn mower, leaf blower, etc. you’ll come in and have a ton of crap up there from breathing in dust. People suffering from allergies have also reported amazing benefits from using a neti.

If you hate taking medications and feeling like hell during the winter months, I can’t recommend this enough. And believe me: I hated getting water up my nose as a kid. But I’ve learned to relax and let the neti process clean out the toxins. It’s fantastic stuff. And for ten bucks, you can’t beat it in these economic times.

Of course, you can also buy high-end neti pots made from fancy ceramics and whatnot, but why bother when a simple plastic pot does the job quite well? I know a lot of you might grimace and frown and roll your eyes and say, “jeez, that’s gross, Jon” because I was the same way.

Then I tried it.

It works, people. It really does. So if you’re tired of suffering through cold and flu season, check it out. I hope it does for you what it has done for me.

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