The Company You Keep: How The Wrong Community Can Hinder Your Success

“If you want to go fast, go alone. If you want to go far, go together.”

We’ve all seen this one before, right? It’s a popular meme that makes the rounds on the Internet from time to time, usually in the company of another popular term “community.” Community is a constantly touted ideal that promises to help you reach success or feel a sense of companionship or simply feel some level of support for whatever it is you’re going through. Whether it’s fitness: “I do Maxfit and I just love the community of other people who do the workouts with me,” or hobbies, “Did you know that the People Who Write Sumerian Love Sonnets Community now boasts a global membership of 7?” or even our health, “I’m a member of the Ruptured Toe Nail Survivors,” saying we’re a part of a community not only makes us feel better, but also validates us in some powerful ways. When we do things that others do, it reinforces this notion that we’re on the right track. If others are doing it, then there’s approval built in – we find strength in numbers, camaraderie in shared experience, and positive feedback from those within the community we’re a part of.  Community – if the hype is to be believed – is the surest path to all the success and happiness we could ever hope to achieve.

Except it’s not.

I’ve been part of a number of communities over the years. And I’ve seen the difference between “real” communities and the ones that claim to be, but in fact are not. Let’s look at the reason why and then examine why community is often just another marketing ploy.

The biggest difference has to do with how you become a member of a particular community.

In the military, for example, elite special operations units are not open to everyone. There is an intense selection process that candidates must go through where they endure harsh training, serious adversity, and more as they attempt to prove their competency and ability to be part of the special operations community. Selection is a lengthy process where lesser candidates, for one reason or another, are weeded out until only the most suitable are left and selected to join whichever unit they aspire to be part of. Along the way, they have shed gallons of sweat, tears, and often blood to prove their worth. And when they join their particular unit, they are in the company of others who have gone through an almost identical baptismal process. In other words, the company they keep has undergone exactly what they went through. There’s an inherent understanding and bond created in Selection that all members of that particular community share.

I saw this same process when I was aspiring to earn my place in the advanced class at the Ninjutsu dojo I attend. The Friday night advanced training was only open to practitioners of a certain rank and in order to gain entrance, you had to undergo a severe test of endurance, mental fortitude, and physical techniques. In many ways, it was a virtual gauntlet. When you earned your place in the advanced class, you were in the company of others who had been tested in the same crucible. And there is nothing like shared misery to create a true bond.

Contrast this with how most people gain acceptance into a community these days. Let’s take the fitness world as a model. A current popular high intensity interval training (HIIT) fitness craze touts its “community” as one of the most appealing features. The marketing behind it espouses working out with likeminded individuals who help cheer you on to reach your goals and success. Well, I was part of that craze and saw firsthand why their notion of community is mostly a fallacy. The primary reason is that anyone can join it if you have the money to do so.

Buying your way into a community immediately discounts its efficacy at generating success. Primarily because if anyone can join the community, then you are not going to be surrounded by people who operate at the same level you do – they may not “want it” as badly as you do. Worse, your aspirations may cause some other members to resent you.

When I joined the new gym in town, it was wonderful…for a certain period of time. Then, when the novelty wore off and a certain caliber of people started attending, the standards fell into the realm of mediocrity. Workouts became less grueling because people complained that they were too hard (despite the fact that anyone could scale the workouts to suit their individual fitness levels). Exercise standards were revised to accommodate whiny members who couldn’t do basic movements. And a whole new group of toxic personalities started infecting the place. Gradually, anyone who aspired to be better was generally seen as a threat by the growing majority of people who were content with “good enough,” and cheating their way through a workout.

If you are intent on being successful (as opposed to just seeking support, fun, and/or some companionship), joining a community where anyone can be a member is not where you want to be. In fact, being part of such a place can work directly against your stated goals. There will undoubtedly be people there who are intimidated by your drive, or who subtly try to sabotage your success with side-eye comments like, “why would you do that? You’re crazy.” These are usually the people who complain about silly stuff and say dumb things like, “well this is as good as it’s going to get.”

Success is hard enough to achieve without being hated for your aspirations and individuality, envied for your successes to-date, or sabotaged by those who revel in watching your downfall. The notion of community is a dangerous one if you aren’t on your guard for the mediocre masses who inhabit communities that do not have gate keepers built into their model. While it’s a wonderful thing to be all-inclusive, that same model runs counter to being able to achieve all the success you aspire to.

The term “community” has also become a marketing tool (at least in certain fields) used to drive new recruits into the fold. And communities reinforce this notion of people needing a support system because it’s in their own best interests to do so; it furthers that community’s very existence. In effect, they need you more than you need them. As an established member or someone advanced within their ranks, the community can point to you as proof of its own efficacy at producing success.

Another inherent danger of community is rampant group-think. Any community will have a set of standards – vocalized, implied, written down, or not – that members are expected to follow. You may not have given it much thought, you may not even have noticed it much, but they are there. You’ll start to notice if you do anything that runs counter to the majority group-think. In this way, communities have the potential to become excessively cult-like, complete with idol worship, gossip, and a whole series of toxic aspects that can seriously damage your quest for greatness. Of course, members of the community will deny such things until they’re red in the face, but that’s only because they’re too close to see the truth.

And the truth is that a community without gate keepers can produce some measure of success. But it will eventually hinder your progress – especially if it’s populated by people who actually do not want the best for you but are instead wishing for your failure because that is a reinforcement of their own self-imposed limitations. “See? I told you it was crazy to do that.”  In that case, a community that seemed so wonderful, ends up being a virtual prison. Worse, the toxicity will harm your body, mind, and spirit resulting in a failure to achieve your goals and a tendency to question yourself and your motivation – exactly the antithesis of success.

Unless your community has exacting standards and all members are of a similar mindset, your quest for success and excellence will falter. You’ll be better off on your own than you would be in the company of lesser individuals not as focused as yourself. Beware of “communities” that boast they’re the backbone of a movement or location. Outside of the military (and some others with exacting standards imposed prior to admission), the chances of you finding a true success-oriented community of like-minded alphas all on the same trajectory toward greatness are slim. More likely, you may find a few members of that caliber, but they will be greatly outnumbered by those members who have adopted mediocrity, rather than excellence, as the acceptable outcome of their endeavors.

And you are, most definitely, better off without them in your life.

The Game of Thrones Series Finale

So, it’s done.

After 8 seasons, Game of Thrones is finished and over and done and well, yeah…

Since departing from the actual books because George R. R. Martin hadn’t finished them, the series has definitely gone down in terms of quality, in my opinion. But at the same time, it’s important to remember that for writers of television and films, it’s nearly impossible to render an adequate translation, as it were, of a book property onto the screen. Certainly, there are exceptions. But for the most part, the book is always better because it gives the reader more in terms of nuance, background, point-of-view, character development and more. When adapting for the screen, writers must show everything in such a way that the audience knows what is going on. Tidbits of internal monologue, for instance, are stricken because you can’t really show a character having a discussion with themselves.

From that perspective, the seasons that departed from the books have been adequate in terms of delivering storylines and plot that moved the series ahead. But they have, unfortunately, failed to deliver the same level of satisfaction that many fans craved from the series as a whole.

And when the series finale unfolds the way it did last night (and in preceding episodes), there are bound to be fans enraged by the conclusions reached by the writers to bring the series to an end.

For me, as a writer, there are obvious reasons why I was disappointed. Perhaps the most crucial being individual character arcs.

When we create characters, we set them on a journey of discovery. Along the way, they are beset by challenge after challenge forcing them to dig deep into the very core of who they are in order to overcome those challenges, or at least strive valiantly toward overcoming them. Sometimes they fail, and fail spectacularly. But if we’ve done our job properly, the reader is emotionally invested in the character or characters to a point that the journey they take leads the reader on a parallel journey of entertainment. At the end of that journey, the character is somehow transformed and the reader feels a level of satisfaction with the conclusions of that journey – even if they are not necessarily happy. Tragic endings can be just as satisfying provided the character has somehow been transformed over the course of the story.

Therein lies the problem with Game of Thrones.

Viewers have been emotionally invested in the series from the start. Everyone has their favorites and everyone has their villains. Along the way, we’ve seen characters rise to tremendous heights and truly evil villains enjoy their spectacular comeuppance. We’ve gasped, cheered, moaned, cried, and laughed as the series has unfolded. But in the end, that pattern of character story arc fulfillment deviated from the norm and as a result, we’ve been left…meh.

The real tragedy of Game of Thrones isn’t that it’s over; the real tragedy is that  – at the end – the show wasn’t that much fantasy at all. In fact, it was more reality than most viewers wanted.

We read books, watch TV, listen to music, sit in theaters, and every engage in art to help us deal with reality. In some ways, to escape it. In other ways to try to make sense of it – to gain perspective through the struggles of characters or self (if we create it) that enables us to bring that insight to our own individual worlds. For those who consume it, they are engaged in much the same process, albeit as passengers rather than the conductor.

And when reality is – as it is currently – with hatred and racism and bigotry and misogyny and ethical absence and complete disregard for the rule of law all on the rise, people expect an escape that leaves them feeling as though there is some sense in the universe.

Rather than more of the same.

The reality is that most people don’t have much of a story arc to their character. Most people go through life wishing things were somehow different; wishing they’d made different decisions; wishing they’d said “fuck yeah” instead of “I’d better not;” wishing for a second chance at the one thing they know fires their soul; wishing they’d apologized instead of defending a bad decision; wishing they’d taken that chance instead of playing it safe. And at the end of their lives, most people don’t go out with an incredible fireworks display, but rather with a quiet whimper of resignation and sad acceptance.

When the characters that we love or hate go out in a similar fashion, it does little to entertain. In fact, it only underscores our own place in the world – and reminds of us whether we’re on a spectacular journey or a mediocre merry-go-round.

Granted, it’s not necessarily the job of the writer to abide by any “rules.” And for all we know, Martin may well have planned the entire series to be as the writers of GoT finished things up. That after taking us on such an exhilarating ride, Martin may have intended the series go out with much the same whimper as it did last night. With some characters enjoying a better story arc than others, because in reality, some people have better lives than others.

And often, the people who do have a satisfying conclusion to their arcs, aren’t the people you would expect. Whereas the shooting stars who seem filled with such promise and potential end up sputtering out to some sort of blah ending. We all know people who peaked in high school and have ever since relived those glory days over and over in some vain attempt to buoy themselves. We also know the people who blossomed after enduring the crucible of high school and rose to extraordinary heights.

The simple truth is that despite all manner of external events, many people simply do not change or evolve over time. They stay locked in their own prison of prejudices and assumptions, convinced of their own certitude, unwilling to consider other perspectives or facts. As a result, their arcs fail to deliver a satisfying conclusion and that’s all there is to it.

The same thing happened with certain characters on GoT. Rather than fulfill the arc we hoped would happen (even if we did not even have a firm idea of what we wanted to happen for them) they simply…faded away. Worse, some of the villains we’d been hoping would experience true satisfactory justice ended up “escaping” in a rather muted fashion. Again, much the same as reality. 

Perhaps the message of Game of Thrones is simply this: not every hero receives grand rewards; not every villain receives satisfactory justice.

Which is, frankly, kind of depressing. And a bit too close to everyday life for many people.

Myself included.

Your mileage may vary, of course.

In the end, GoT was a great show.

It just sort of went out with a whimper.

When I really wanted a bang.

 

 

The Blog Relaunches!

Well, it’s been a couple of years since I posted out here in my blog, but I’m bringing it back. Given how restrictive Facebook and its algorithms have become in what they show to people who happen to like my page, or interact with me, the importance of this website has skyrocketed. From now on, lengthy posts will be published here and then shared elsewhere on social media.

What’s new? Take a look at everything happening right now…

1. DEAD DROP PODCAST: I started this podcast two weeks ago and I’m loving it. It’s a weekly update show, so to speak, about everything and anything that is happening in my professional life. I talk primarily about my acting, writing, and producing (see below) and share anecdotes and stories that I hope will help those who may be curious about any of those three topics. You can listen to the podcast on 7 platforms right now including Spotify and Google. Check out the homepage for the podcast here: http://anchor.fm and if you like it, become a supporter so I can make more episodes!

2. PATREON PAGE: I held out actually doing this but then Patreon decided to change rates and their processing so I had a deadline and launched it. It’s a cool way for me to share things that don’t normally get shared with people who want to support me, offer rewards, and more. If you’re a fan of my writing and my other work, swing by and think about becoming a supporter.

3. PAPERBACKS! Yes, I am finally getting Lawson into paperback! It’s been a long time coming but the new paperbacks are pretty gorgeous. I’m working to get them all available for sale, but the first ten adventures currently are, so grab them. Also, I will begin selling autographed versions through this website very soon (like, probably this week.)

4. POUNDCAKE: This is the new production company I’ve launched with my friends Branden James Maxham and Christopher Grace. They’re both incredibly talented individuals and I’m thrilled to be working with them. If you haven’t seen the official website then check it out here: http://poundcakeyum.com and be sure to follow us on Instagram as well @poundcakeyum There are a ton of cool projects being developed as we speak!

5. PINTEREST: Still figuring this platform out, but there ya go. I’m over there, so if you are, too, come by and give us a follow.

6. MERZENARIES: The forum here on this website is going to be a lot more active, so if you’ve ever bought anything here on the site, you’re automatically registered, just log in normally and you’re all set. And if you haven’t yet bought anything, register for the forum and you’ll be able to shop later when I open up the new autographed paperback section.

7. MOI: This is the name of the new non-fiction book I’m working hard to finish in time for the Fall. It’s filled with a whole lot of…well, let’s just say “unorthodox” information that a lot of folks might really dig being exposed to. Keep an eye out for updates. And I’m releasing some of it over on my Patreon page exclusively for supporters.

Remember: to get the latest news, get the DEAD DROP podcast!