For The NYC Department of Education…

So, according to this report, the NYC Department of Education has decided that 50 words they have deemed as “offensive” and “unsettling” need to be removed from any standardized tests students might be exposed to. Not profanity, mind you, but everyday words. Because the students might feel “unsettled.”

Good lord.

Anyway, I could harp about the idiocy of this for days (and those of you who know me, know I could keep going like the Energizer Bunny on this) but instead, I decided to do a little bit of public service to both the NYC Department of Education and to those students who now feel shortchanged by the lack of such a variety of words on their ever-thrilling standardized tests. If you click the link above and read the article, you’ll see the fifty words that they want removed. And below, you’ll see a little Lawson snippet I just wrote this morning that uses every one of them. Because, y’know, being the sarcastic prick that I am, this was too good to let pass.

Enjoy!

The Stupid: A Satirical Lawson Vampire Story Snippet
By Jon F. Merz

  “They’re pretty sure it was sexual abuse.”
  I looked up from my drink and eyed Niles. “What-an abusive parent?”
  “No, seems he had a fondness for sheep.”
  “Someone should have made sure he stopped drinking after the tenth beer,” I said. “What happened – birthday boys gone wild?”
  “I wasn’t there,” said Niles. “It’s not typically my scene where any sort of championship belching is a factor.”
  “You’ve got standards. That sort of behavior can spread like a vicious cancer if it goes unchecked.”
  “Exactly why you’re getting the case,” said Niles. “The Council wants this stopped. Yesterday, if Ava had her way.”
  The bar was filling up quickly with the after work crowd. I saw several women dressed in pencil skirts and crisp white blouses that caused a tsunami of hormones to flood my system. Niles must have noticed because he cleared his throat.
  “Lawson, if I could get your attention back to the topic at hand-?”
  “Sorry. Was I staring?”
  “Like someone gawking at Kim Kardashian. Give it a rest already.”
  “At least I won’t have to worry about my kids having to deal with celebrity. What a bitch that must be, huh?”
  Niles sighed. “Try not to go off on a tangent. I swear some day you’re going to make me start smoking again.”
  “I never knew you smoked.”
  “Not many people do,” said Niles. “And it was a long time ago anyway. I kicked them to the curb, but every once in a while.” His voice trailed off. “You know…it was an addiction.”
  “I had that same problem with internet porn.”
  “You did?”
  I shrugged. “Nah, just kidding around. But I knew someone who was hopelessly addicted to collecting stories about serial killers. Had newspaper clippings all over the walls. Scrapbooks. You name it, this guy was nuts for the gore of the stories. Really sick.”
  “Anyway,” said Niles, taking a sip of his Grey Goose and tonic. “Ava wants you on this case right away.”
  “Why is she dying from some horrible disease or something? What’s the rush?”
  “This sort of thing can’t be allowed to continue. You know that.”
  “I’ve tried to divorce myself from getting emotionally wrapped up in this craziness. Used to be it was tolerable, but it’s an epidemic now.”
  “It’s evolved,” said Niles. “And that’s the real problem. It’s not like it simply popped up overnight. And someone was finally paying enough attention to realize that if this isn’t stopped then we’ll all be the worse for it.”
  I leaned back, enjoying the way the luxurious leather chair made me feel like a million bucks as it conformed to my back and hips. “I want a bonus.”
  “A bonus? You’re crazy.”
  “This isn’t my usual job. You know that.”
  Niles sighed. “And what sort of bonus are you asking for?”
  “Monte Carlo. I want to go there. Have the Council set it up. First class air travel, a luxury suite, and fifty thousand dollars to gamble away every last cent. I want to splurge a little.”
  “You want an arm trophy with that? Something in blonde perhaps?”
  “That would work. Just make sure she doesn’t look like some painted tart on Halloween, all right? I like class.”
  “I’ll make sure we don’t grab some homeless bum.”
  “Good.”
  Niles took another sip. “The target lives in Westchester. You familiar with the area?”
  I shrugged. “What’s to know? Wealthy enclave north of Manhattan. More homes with swimming pools per capita than most northeast towns.” I sipped the Bombay Sapphire and tonic. “So, who am I hunting?”
  Niles leveled a finger at me. “You know, you scarf those drinks down like most people eat Doritos. It’s a wonder sometimes you can even shoot straight.”
  “I am a wonder,” I said. “But it takes an awful lot to knock my ass. I just enjoy the taste.”
  “Your target used to play with the Jets. Does that alter how you’ll handle the situation?”
  “Should it?”
  Niles shook his head. “He had more sacks in his rookie year than anyone else in the league. I’d say that means he’s pretty formidable.”
  I sniffed. “He doesn’t play anymore, does he?”
  “Tore his ACL and had to retire young. Or he was fired. I forget which.”
  I nodded. “My point. He won’t be as mobile as he once was.”
  “You’ve made bad assumptions before.”
  “Niles, I don’t really think I need to bring in a lot of firepower here. No sense using a nuclear missile when a simple knife will do the trick.”
  “If I had to peer into my crystal ball, I’d say you won’t be using a knife. That’s not your style.”
  “True. It’ll be a pistol.”
  “Just make sure your target doesn’t get wind of it ahead of time. The last thing I need to explain to the Council is how your mark developed clairvoyance or something just prior to the hit.”
  “Like the Council would really care as long as it gets done.” I finished my drink. “They’re too busy arguing politics and who is going to get to be in charge next. It’s disgusting.”
  “I realize it might not hold the same allure as say, pornography-“
  “Who said anything about porn?”
  Niles frowned. “The blonde arm trophy will probably fit the bill.”
  “I said I wanted her to be classy.”
  Niles sighed. “Regardless.”
  “Seriously, if she looks like she’s from the projects, I’m not going to be happy.”
  “Lawson, forget your quest to become the new Jay-Z for a moment, would you?”
  I smiled. “Beyonce’. Now that would be something. Booty bootylicious.”
  “Forget it,” said Niles. “She’s not even a vampire.”
  “Then she’s perfect.”
  “Sex is your religion, isn’t it? I mean, you seriously worship it in ways I don’t think other people do.”
  I leaned forward. “Niles, I’ll let you in on a secret: while the Council might think I was put on earth to be a Fixer, I’ve always believed my real role is to be an awesome lover to as many beautiful women as possible. To me, there’s nothing quite like the rush I feel when I transport a woman to another time and place through the use of sex. It’s like straddling time and space.”
  “Straddling being the operative word,” said Niles. “You ever think about fasting for a while?”
  “I wouldn’t do well with a strict fast. But maybe something like Ramadan. You know, you only fast during the daylight hours. Once the sun goes down, it’s all good.”
  “You should have been a rock star. Tommy Lee could take notes on how you handle women.”
  “Let’s get back to business,” I said. “What if this guy smells me coming. What’s the likelihood he’ll run away?”
  “Zero. He’s a fighter. Plus, he’ll want to protect his merchandise.”
  I frowned. “I knew slavery was problem for other countries, but I didn’t expect it be so prevalent here.”
  “And given the recent events that show our kind are involved, I’d say it’s only going to become more of a problem. Hence the Council’s desire that you take immediate action to contain this. We’ve also gotten reports that the slave trade is funneling money off to a variety of terrorist groups – specifically Shining Path and Abu Sayaf.”
  “Wonderful. This mission gets better sounding by the minute. You make sure that bonus is in place, will you? By the time this is over, I’m going to look like I just overdosed on a marathon of Jersey Shore episodes.”
  “Do the job, Lawson. I’ll keep my end of the bargain.”
  “See if Ava’s available.”
  Niles looked at me like I had five heads. “You aren’t serious.”
  I smirked. “Why not? She looks like she could use a vacation. Plus, she’s kind of hot.”
  Niles leaned back. “Are you feeling all right? You can’t stand Ava.”
  “Doesn’t mean I wouldn’t sleep with her.”
  Niles shook his head. “You need a companion, Lawson. Ever think about getting a dog? A cat? I can recommend a good shelter. A buddy of mine works in a no-kill place. Good animals. They could do wonders for you.”
  “I’m fine,” I said. “So, is this supposed to look messy?”
  “Like how?”
  “Like I bash his brains in with a hammer and let the roaches and rats feats on his remains?”
  Niles pursed his lips. “I think your usual method will suffice.”
  I chewed an ice cube and then set my glass down. “All right then. I’ll be off.”
  “Just like that?”
  “Just like that.”
  “Well, you’re not some sort of wizard, Lawson.” He slid a picture across the table. “Even you need to know what your target looks like.”
  I glanced at the photo and slid it back. “Text me his address.”
  “Anything else?”
  I thought for a moment. “Yeah, make sure the airline to Monte Carlo stocks Bombay Sapphire and limes.”

Coming Soon…

With March drawing to a close, I thought it would be a good time to update you all on what will be coming out for the rest of the year, what I’m working on, and assorted tidbits like that. So here goes…

Current Works-in-Progress

  1. Mission: Malta – this special novella for newsletter subscribers is running each month, but I’m going to be finishing it shortly and putting it out for sale so those fans who want to read ahead can do so. It will still be free to newsletter subscribers, but if the chapter-per-month thing is too slow, you’ll be able to grab it ahead of time.
  2. CODENAME: Belladonna – Talya’s first spin-off novel from the Lawson series. Hoping to have this finished sooner than you think 😉
  3. Shadow Warrior: The Undead Hordes of Kan-Gul – this is the first book in the alternative Earth sword & sorcery series I’m writing for Baen Books. The first book is due to my editor by June for a Spring 2013 debut in bookstores everywhere.
  4. The Next Lawson Novel – yep, it’s in the works. And no, I’m not revealing the title yet because I want to surprise all of you. Because, y’know, I’m a devious tease…
  5. Lawson: Ten Year Retrospective – a special ebook of the past ten years of Lawson Awesome.
  6. YA Series Proposal – Lots of research going into this, so stay tuned.
  7. Adult Thriller Series Proposal – no supernatural craziness in this one. Just straight up violence, mayhem, and assorted chaos.

With that list in mind, be on the look out for new releases from me around the following months:

May 2012
July 2012
October 2012
December 2012
January 2013

And maybe one or two extra surprises…I know, a lot of teasing here, but good things are definitely ahead. So stay tuned and alert to my Facebook Fan Page for all the latest. And be sure you sign up for my FREE newsletter to get even more tidbits.

EBooks ARE a Game Changer

It’s been exactly one year since I uploaded my Lawson Vampire backlist to Amazon and Barnes & Noble and started selling them as ebooks for the Kindle & Nook. Prior to doing so, the way I made money as a writer was as follows:

1. Come up with an idea that I was both excited about AND had tremendous marketing potential (in other words, one that would hopefully sell a gazillion copies)
2. Write up an exhaustive proposal package containing the idea, a synopsis of the first book, sample chapters, character breakdowns, marketing competition analysis, and a marketing plan.
3. Submit this to my agent, who would then submit the package to a number of editors.
4. Wait.
5. Wait.
6. Get rejections from most editors; maybe get an acceptance from another.
7. Wait.
8. Wait.
9. Get an offer. Usually this offer was in the low five-figures. Certainly, it was never enough to “live on” in the real world.
10. Wait.
11. Wait.
12. Eventually, a contract would arrive at my agent’s office. My agent would then go over the contract, argue certain clauses, get push-back, etc. etc.
13. Wait.
14. Wait.
15. Eventually, I would receive my advance check after it had first gone to my agent who took his 15%. An advance is just that: an advance against future royalties. Said royalties would normally be a low percentage of the retail price, ranging from 6% at the low end to 10% at the high end.
16. Wait for the book to be published – usually at least one year from the contract signing. In some case, up to two years.
17. The book goes on sale.
18. Wait.
19. Wait.
20. Traditional publishers give you an accounting of sales of your book twice each year. If your book sells well, it is at this point that you get “paid.”
21. Except that your pay, in this case, actually goes back to cover the cost of your advance. When you “earn out” that means you’ve made enough to cover the advance the publisher paid you. If you’ve sold well enough, you then earn royalties beyond that advance and get paid.
22. Except that publishers have this antiquated business model that allows the book sellers to pay them long after they get the books. So publishers have this nefarious little clause called “Reserves Against Returns,” which means they hold onto a sizable chunk of any money you’ve earned beyond your advance in order to cover the possibility that some of the books the bookstores “bought” might come back to the warehouse if the title doesn’t move.
23. Wait another six months and repeat #22.
24. Hopefully, somewhere down the road, you actually earn out and see royalties.
25. In the meantime, your agent is *hopefully* (and I say, hopefully because an awful lot seem to NOT pursue this very aggressively even though they should) selling subsidiary rights like audio, foreign translations, film/TV, etc. which earns you more money. But your agent undoubtedly has other clients vying for his attention, so your subsidiary rights get forgotten, unless you hustle your ass off and bring deals to them directly. And even though you were the one that went and got those deals, your agent still takes a nice cut.

While all this is going on, you are simultaneously writing new proposals and doing work-for-hire novels – possibly to the tune of writing eleven Rogue Angel novels like I did (if you live in the real world, that is, where you must make up the shortfall of that crummy advance by picking up other writing jobs to cover the household finances, make mortgage payments, etc.).

The old way had a lot of “hope” in it. As in, “I hope this sells,” “I hope they pay me better than last time, ” and “I hope this editor’s boss doesn’t have his head on speed dial with the bottom part of his alimentary canal.”

Enter the world of ebooks. According to publishing industry veteran Michael Cader, it’s premature to call ebooks “a game changer.”

Really.

Well, howzabout we just look at how much of a game changer they’ve been for me…

Since I uploaded my Lawson backlist late last January and then throughout the year introduced new Lawson adventures, a few standalone novels, some non-fiction, and a bunch of short stories, the way I earn a living has changed dramatically. Here’s how it works now:

1. Come up with an idea about something cool I’d like to write.
2. Write it.
3. Let my beta readers check it out, offer critiques, suggestions, etc.
4. Edit until I’m confident it reads well.
5. While 2-4 is happening, hire a cover artist to come up with a concept I like and one that I think will help sell the book.
6. Once finished editing, format the ebook.
7. Upload the ebook, set a price point.
8. Announce publication of book.
9. Sell the ebook on Amazon, Barnes & Noble, Smashwords, iBooks, Kobo, and any number of other places.
10. 60 days after the book goes on-sale, I start seeing the money from the sales.
11. In the meantime, the work I already have on-sale continues to earn me income. I get paid every single month, direct deposit to my checking account by Amazon US, Amazon UK, every other Amazon store internationally, and Barnes & Noble. Smashwords pays every six months (which is a ludicrous throwback to traditional publishing and one Smashwords absolutely needs to change if they hope to remain relevant).
12. As a result of getting paid every month, I can budget my household finances better, which means infinitely LESS stress.
13. As a result of less stress, my creative juices flow better and I come up with more cool ideas (ideas that I do NOT have to run past a whole committee of supposed “professionals” in New York who think they understand the tastes of the reading public) I then turn into books and put on sale earning me more money.
14. The more ebooks I have on-sale, the larger my virtual shelf space becomes, and the more I sell. As a result, my monthly income tends to go up – it’s like getting a raise every time I write something new.
15. As more people migrate to digital e-readers, my potential market share also increases. Coupled with my social media presence, I am always growing my fan base and therefore, selling more ebooks while still barely scratching the surface of the entire ebook-reading public.
16. Ebooks are forever. Whereas a traditionally published book MIGHT have a lifespan of six weeks on a bookstore shelf, my ebooks stay on their cyber shelves forever, meaning they earn money for me forever.
17. Since I bypass all the various middlemen that make up the world of traditional publishing, I get paid between 65-70% of the RETAIL royalty rate compared to the horrifyingly insulting 25% NET royalty rate offered by traditional publishers on ebooks. The result: me much happier.

Now, as I said, Michael Cader believes it’s still premature to call ebooks a game changer. But Michael Cader also works for an industry that is in serious trouble; his livelihood depends on keeping things the way they are, so of course he’s going to perpetrate such silliness.

Ebooks most definitely ARE a game changer for one simple reason: when the lifeblood of your industry (in this case, the content creators aka “writers”) figures out they can make more money, get paid on a consistent and steady schedule, do it all without jumping through stupid hoops like “acquisition meetings,” and bypass all the middlemen and go directly to the most important part of the equation – the readers themselves – then you have real change occurring.

Whether folks like Michael Cader accept it or not.

I’ve been writing since 1994; I’ve been a traditionally published author since 2002. In the ten years I tried to play the game by New York’s rules, I’ve seen so much ridiculousness, it amazes me the publishing industry has lasted as long as it has. Midlist writers (that is to say those who are not gifted with million-dollar advances and groomed for the supposed bestseller lists) are treated like indentured servants: crummy advances that New York insists are “livable,” crappy royalty rates, contract clauses that are meant to provide steady income for the publisher not the writer, and an accounting system woefully behind-the-times and deliberately complicated so as to render auditing it both costly and intimidating for the average writer.

In the year since I’ve been publishing as an indie, I’ve made more money than at any other point in my writing career. I’ve sold more books than at any other point in my writing career (over 20,000 copies of my Lawson adventures JUST on the Amazon US marketplace). And I’ve been able to engage and meet more fans than at any other point in my writing career. And I’m not even as succesful as other indie ebook authors – some of them are making thousands of dollars every single DAY.

Traditional publishing loves to claim that they do a ton of stuff for writers – hence the low pay and royalty rates.

It’s BS.

Unless you belong to that rarefied strata of bestselling author, traditional publishers aren’t doing much for you.

1. These days, editors rarely edit. Back in ’02, my first editor never even edited the first four Lawson novels. I’ve had exactly two editors ever edit me at all: one for a short story and one for a novel. Otherwise, “editing” doesn’t much happen at all.
2. Marketing falls to the author to accomplish. The last marketing person I worked with at a major house lined up exactly ONE signing and ONE interview. My huge blog blitz? All those other interviews, podcasts, etc.? All done by hustling my ass off.
3. Publishers pay lip service with regards to cover art & design. The author doesn’t get a say in what the final cover is, because the sales & marketing folks think they know best what will sell a book. Sometimes they’re right; but more often they’re wrong.
4. Bookstore presence: yes, you have print versions of your book available in major retailers. Oops, I mean RETAILER. Because right now, Barnes & Noble is the only real national major chain. One chain. Down from about four. Why is there only one major chain left? Because people don’t visit bookstores like they used to – they are switching to ebooks. And as far as indies go (and side note: I love indie bookstores – Jim at Park Street Books in Medfield, Massachusetts is awesome and everyone should go buy from him!) they only account for roughly 10% of sales in the publishing industry. So this argument is no longer as viable as it once might have been. An enterprising author can set up a book at Lightning Source for about $100 bucks, get into the major distributors like Ingram and Baker & Taylor (they service those bookstores) and have print editions of their books without giving up the enormous percentages that signing a traditional deal would hamstring them with.

I have complete control over my books now. I write them as I think they should be; I design them as I think they should be; and I sell them for a very reasonable price point instead of price-gouging consumers the way traditional publishers do (really New York? $16.99 for an ebook? Who are the wizards who came up with THAT one?)

As you read this, THE FIXER is being translated into Spanish in preparation for it going on sale in the HUGE Spanish language market. I’m at work on a TON of stuff I’ve wanted to bring out for years. And my middle grade/YA boys adventure series (y’know, the one that LANGUISHED for 18 months as editor after editor sent back notes like “boys don’t read,” “what if the protagonist was a girl?”) THE NINJA APPRENTICE gets sets to debut to the burgeoning demographic of younger readers. Apple has rolled out a new ebook authoring tool for free that will enable me to embed multimedia in my ebooks that are sold on iBooks. And each day, more and more people are discovering the convenience, ease, and enjoyment that ebooks offer.

All of which makes people in the traditional publishing industry – people like Michael Cader – very, VERY worried. Hence they make silly proclamations in the hopes of stemming the tsunami with a finger in the proverbial dike.

Here’s my prediction: in 12 months, I’ll still have a job in the publishing world – I’ll be doing what I love to do: creating exciting entertainment for people looking for an escape from their everyday lives. I’ll do this regardless of how my stories reach my audience. If ebooks suddenly implode (they won’t) and I have to carve my writing out on discarded pieces of tree bark, then that’s what I’ll do. Because long ago someone taught me that when one thing doesn’t work, you adapt and overcome. You evolve. You get smarter.

Insisting that things are the same when they most obviously are not isn’t adapting. It’s not meeting the challenge and figuring out how to make the best of it. It’s not evolution.

And it’s definitely not smart.

I wonder what Michael Cader will be saying 12 months from now…

OATHBREAKER & DEADLY TRIO Now Available!

It’s Friday and it’s been a busy week. Outside, I’ve got several inches of snow (finally) and more on the way for tomorrow. In short, it’s a perfect weekend for reading – you know those days? When the weather’s blowing hard and you’ve got nothing to do but stay inside and curl up on the couch, maybe with that steaming mug of coffee, tea, or cocoa, listening to the crackle of the fireplace while your heart races along with the plot of great story.

I’ve already got my book picked out for reading tomorrow. And here are my contributions, if you’re looking to expand your Lawson library:

OATHBREAKER, a new short story is now out on its own. It’s also part of the SIX TIMES DEADLY collection, but this is the standalone version. It’s only 99 cents and meaty at 6,000 words. This time around, Lawson enters the hospital undercover to find out who is bleeding patients dry – but what he discovers is actually a whole lot worse than was previously thought.

Get OATHBREAKER for Kindle | Get OATHBREAKER for Nook

And then…

If, for some inexplicable reason (say, you were off-planet fighting alien invaders or possibly got kidnapped by clowns and forced to perform mime for the last six years) you haven’t yet gotten into the Lawson series, I’ve bundled three novels into one great ebook, DEADLY TRIO, which collects THE FIXER, THE INVOKER, and THE ENCHANTER into one volume for only $9.99 (which saves you about $3 bucks over buying them separately). LETHAL TRIO will be out within the next few days and collects THE DESTRUCTOR, THE SYNDICATE, and THE RIPPER into one volume for the same $9.99 price.

Get DEADLY TRIO for Kindle | Get DEADLY TRIO for Nook

So there you have it: two releases to go along with earlier this week’s A FOG OF FURY novella (HERE for the Kindle & available for the Nook in April). Grab ’em all and you’ve got oodles of fun reading for the entire weekend – regardless of whatever weather you might be experiencing.

A Fog of Fury: A Lawson Vampire Mission – FREE!

So, as part of my drive to find a huge bunch of new fans for all things Lawson, I’ve decided to make A FOG OF FURY, the Lawson novellas that was released in the first annual Supernatrual Ink. anthology, part of the Amazon KDP Select program for 90 days. Today & tomorrow, it’s absolutely 100% FREE.

That’s right, you can get a nearly 20,000 words of Lawson awesome for without spending a penny.

Nada.

Zilch.

If you’ve never tried Lawson before, this is your chance to get wrapped up in one of the coolest urban fantasy series around. Let his effortless lethality thrill you while his sarcastic sense of humor brings you chuckles. Lawson rocks and here’s your chance to see why.

Of course, if you’re already a Lawson fan, then this is a nice gift to start the work week back up with. And it’s also your duty to get at least two of your close pals to pick this up as well and get them hooked on the series. What have they got to lose? Only about an hour after which time they will promptly fall on their knees and thank you for delivering unto them the same Lawson awesome you enjoy on a regular basis. They might even buy you lunch. Or at least a pack of Twizzlers from the office vending machine.

So go forth and rejoice – A FOG OF FURY is yours free. Spread the word and help others find the radiance of Lawson as he dispatches bad guys with bullets and snark.

Have fun!

Get A FOG OF FURY here right now for your Kindle for FREE!

🙂