“That was shit. Do it again.”

I wrote my first novel around 1996.

It sucked.

Of course, I didn’t know how badly it sucked. But I was fortunate enough to find a literary agent who was opening her own shop and agreed to take a look at my manuscript. I sent it off, convinced that it was utterly amazing, and anxiously awaited her response.

When it came, I was surprised to find that she had sent the manuscript back instead of just sending me a letter proclaiming my thriller was the best thing she’d read in ages and was anxious to sell it for millions.

I took my manuscript out of its box and looked at it. Each and every single page bled red ink. She had gone through the entire manuscript – the entire fucking thing – and torn it apart. Comments were scrawled over every page. And they were harsh. “Who says something this stupid?” in reference to a line of dialogue. “I don’t believe his motivations.” “This is laughably absurd.” “Are you kidding me with this comment?” “The pacing sucks here.” And on it went. Each and every page of my thriller was ripped apart, torn asunder, and scorched with critique. I was momentarily devastated. I’d worked hard on that thriller. For the last several years I’d carefully pecked away at it, crafting what I thought was a contemporary storyline with compelling characters, taut pacing, and devilish dialogue.

But it wasn’t. It was an amateurish outing by a new wanna-be author and it was full of shortcomings and faults and every sort of cliche that springs forth when someone talks about wanting to be a writer. Tons of passive voice, tons of speech tags, tons of adverbs, tons of…well, garbage.

I could have sat and cried about it; I could have wallowed in the assault to my ego; I could have very easily given up and decided that being a writer wasn’t for me. I could have done all of those things because that’s exactly what many people do when they’re faced with criticism. They take it personally.

But there was nothing about the agent’s critique of my manuscript that was personal. She’d simply read it with the eye of a seasoned professional who had seen all of the problems many times before and because she was actually a pretty awesome person, she’d done me the great service of pointing out exactly how bad my work was.

I was fortunate that I’d been subjecting myself to harsh criticism for years at that point. My mentor back in the late 80s, a grizzled old Korean War veteran of special operations, had taught me any number of things and his usual response whenever I tried to do them was along the lines of “That was shit. Do it again.” And I would. Over and over again until I showed proficiency that was up to his standard. In the military, it was never enough to do the bare minimum; they expected more. Always more. What was good enough yesterday wasn’t good enough today. “Do better.” And in martial arts, I was repeatedly critiqued because my teacher was testing my ego and seeing where I had openings in my armor – not just physically, but mentally and spiritually – that an opponent could use against me. One of my key faults back then was not keeping my guard up enough, so after every class I attended (usually 4-5 times each week) I was put into a corner, given a motorcycle helmet to wear and then forced to stay there in a defensive posture while my seniors took turns wailing punches at my head until I learned how to keep my guard up and stay cool under pressure. It was not a quick process and I went through it for the better part of a year (may have been a little less than that, I can’t actually remember lol).

Because harsh criticism was nothing new to me, I was able to process what the literary agent had done for me. And instead of viewing it as an attack, I saw it for what it was: an opportunity to grow and get better at this thing I wanted to do for the rest of my life. Exactly the same as the other things I’d been learning: whether it was shaving seconds off a forced march time, or learning how to surveil someone, or execute ganseki nage (A technique: “throwing a big rock” – Ninjutsu), there was always room for improvement, always room to learn new things, and as a result: grow and get better at whatever activity it was.

And so, I set about rewriting that novel that had been so blown apart with detailed critiques. And in the process of doing so, I came across a very faint line that that same agent had written on the very back page in a weird place. I wouldn’t have ever seen it if I’d given up and stopped writing, or dismissed her advice as garbage because I was too full of myself. The note was simple: “If you made it this far, send it back to me.”

I remember chuckling to myself when I found that note. She’d seen enough wanna-be writers in her time to know that the chances that I would toss the manuscript and her advice in the trash were higher than the chances that I’d take her advice to heart, rewrite and improve the manuscript and finally see her note. But I was stubborn enough to take her advice and apply it because I really wanted to be a writer; just like I really wanted every other activity that was tough to achieve.

I won’t sit here and tell you that critique doesn’t hurt. Of course it does. Your ego is in place to protect you in a lot of ways; but it’s also a double-edged sword. That same ego that seeks to protect, can inhibit your growth and cause you to miss out on opportunities because you’re so busy being defensive and insisting there’s nothing wrong or that mistakes weren’t made or that you know better than everyone else. You’ve decided to take it personally when it’s not.

Not everyone responds to harsh criticism well; but over the years I’ve found that I enjoy working with people who have been through some variation of harsh criticism and know how to deal with it without getting their ego bent out of shape. They take pride in their work and see critiques and criticism as a way to improve and get better so they can enjoy that sense of pride that comes from putting forth your very best. And more often than not these days, I find myself gravitating to people who understand the notion that good enough never is. It’s not good enough; and if you say that then it’s probably not good at all: it’s shit.

This runs counter to a lot of what society tells us; that no one cares, that you don’t have to bleed for your craft, that no one else is working this hard so you should just say “fine” and be done with it.

That’s exactly why we have so many unchecked egos running around these days; that’s why there’s so much garbage out there; that’s why our personal relationships with people suffer as much as they do – because the majority of people will veer toward mediocrity instead of excellence. Mediocrity is easier. Excellence is hard. Effort is hard after a long day at work when all you want to do is crash on the couch and drink yourself silly.

Excellence and the sense of pride that comes with it is its own best reward; when you know that you’ve given every full measure of yourself and spent every last bit in pursuit of achievement there is a true sense of contentment.

Critiques are a challenge to be sure. But without challenge, there is no growth.

And without growth, there is no life.

Who Dares Lives.

PS: This story doesn’t necessarily have a happy ending, depending which way you choose to look at it. I did indeed send that manuscript back to that agent; but at that point she’d made the decision to only focus on nonfiction projects. She wrote me a very nice letter back telling me how happy she was that I’d taken her advice to heart and that the manuscript was much better. “It still needs work,” she concluded. “But the fact that you were willing to put in this much effort tells me that you will eventually succeed – even without me representing you.” And fifty novels later, she was right.

The Blog Relaunches!

Well, it’s been a couple of years since I posted out here in my blog, but I’m bringing it back. Given how restrictive Facebook and its algorithms have become in what they show to people who happen to like my page, or interact with me, the importance of this website has skyrocketed. From now on, lengthy posts will be published here and then shared elsewhere on social media.

What’s new? Take a look at everything happening right now…

1. DEAD DROP PODCAST: I started this podcast two weeks ago and I’m loving it. It’s a weekly update show, so to speak, about everything and anything that is happening in my professional life. I talk primarily about my acting, writing, and producing (see below) and share anecdotes and stories that I hope will help those who may be curious about any of those three topics. You can listen to the podcast on 7 platforms right now including Spotify and Google. Check out the homepage for the podcast here: http://anchor.fm and if you like it, become a supporter so I can make more episodes!

2. PATREON PAGE: I held out actually doing this but then Patreon decided to change rates and their processing so I had a deadline and launched it. It’s a cool way for me to share things that don’t normally get shared with people who want to support me, offer rewards, and more. If you’re a fan of my writing and my other work, swing by and think about becoming a supporter.

3. PAPERBACKS! Yes, I am finally getting Lawson into paperback! It’s been a long time coming but the new paperbacks are pretty gorgeous. I’m working to get them all available for sale, but the first ten adventures currently are, so grab them. Also, I will begin selling autographed versions through this website very soon (like, probably this week.)

4. POUNDCAKE: This is the new production company I’ve launched with my friends Branden James Maxham and Christopher Grace. They’re both incredibly talented individuals and I’m thrilled to be working with them. If you haven’t seen the official website then check it out here: http://poundcakeyum.com and be sure to follow us on Instagram as well @poundcakeyum There are a ton of cool projects being developed as we speak!

5. PINTEREST: Still figuring this platform out, but there ya go. I’m over there, so if you are, too, come by and give us a follow.

6. MERZENARIES: The forum here on this website is going to be a lot more active, so if you’ve ever bought anything here on the site, you’re automatically registered, just log in normally and you’re all set. And if you haven’t yet bought anything, register for the forum and you’ll be able to shop later when I open up the new autographed paperback section.

7. MOI: This is the name of the new non-fiction book I’m working hard to finish in time for the Fall. It’s filled with a whole lot of…well, let’s just say “unorthodox” information that a lot of folks might really dig being exposed to. Keep an eye out for updates. And I’m releasing some of it over on my Patreon page exclusively for supporters.

Remember: to get the latest news, get the DEAD DROP podcast!

THE CRUCIBLE is here!

The Crucible Book Cover Hi-ResIt’s been a long time coming…

But the newest Lawson Vampire novel, THE CRUCIBLE, is finally here and EXCLUSIVELY at my new secure website. This is the ONLY place to get the book and you can pay using either a credit card or PayPal.

PLEASE NOTE: The lines where you enter your credit card information (number, expiration date, CC code, etc.) are too small to see what you’re typing, but they DO WORK (I’ve tested them). I’m trying to get that issue sorted right now. Also, once you pay, the CONFIRMATION PAGE will show three file types IN RED that you can download: .mobi for the Kindle, .epub for the Nook and other e-readers, and .pdf for printing or desktop reading.

I hope you all enjoy the latest Lawson adventure! Click on this link to go buy it! https://jonfmerz.net/product/the-crucible-a-lawson-vampire-novel/

Talya’s gone.

Kidnapped by the infamous Xuan Xiang, a former Fixer who has sold out to the Communist Chinese, in a bid to lure Lawson to a final climactic battle where only one Fixer walks away.

But Lawson doesn’t play by the rules. And rather than walk into an ambush, Lawson sets his own plan into motion to rescue the woman he loves. Aided by Jack, the recently-graduated Invoker, they launch their rescue operation, unsanctioned by the Council and thousands of miles from any sort of ally or help.

Deep in western China, Lawson and Jack uncover far more than they expected. And it’s going to take all of their skills combined to ensure their own survival and that of Talya.

Click on this link to go buy it! https://jonfmerz.net/product/the-crucible-a-lawson-vampire-novel/

Halloween Thriller Storybundle Featuring Ten Awesome EBooks!

If you missed my newsletter earlier today (whaaaaat???) then you haven’t heard the news that I am part of the latest Storybundle featuring ten amazing novels from some truly incredible authors. My buddy Joe Nassise and I have the novel we co-wrote THE CERBERUS PROTOCOL included in the lineup. Storybundle is great for a number of reasons:

  • Pay what you want: you can decide how much to pay for the bundle – and each one has a recommended price that gives the authors a very fair share.
  • 10% of the money earned by the bundle goes to charity: For this bundle two amazing charities are the beneficiaries.
  • The ebooks in the bundle are compatible with any e-reader or smartphone: Whatever you’ve got, the bundle works with it.
  • This is a direct-to-reader exchange: No 3rd parties involved here. We wrote these fun books and you get them direct from us in one great package.
  • All of the authors are professional storytellers: you don’t have to worry about crap reads or slipshod plotting. We know what we’re doing and how to deliver thrills a-plenty.
  • You can get the bundle right now by clicking here!

Here’s the amazing lineup:

1. THE CERBERUS PROTOCOL by Joseph Nassise and Jon F. Merz (heyyyy, I know that guy)
2. OGMIOS OMNIBUS by Steven Savile (a massive collection of three novels in this thrilling series)
3. FIRST DROP by Zoe Sharp
4. PROJECT NEMESIS by Jeremy Robinson
5. NEVERMORE by David Niall Wilson
6. BLACK by Russell Blake
7. BODY BAGS by Christopher Golden
8. LOCK & LOAD by Sean Black

Here are the covers:

And the charities being benefitted are as follows (info taken from the Storybundle website)

“Distinguished as one of the top 15 after-school arts and culture programs in the nation by The President’s Committee on the Arts and the Humanities, Girls Write Now is New York’s first and only organization with a writing and mentoring model exclusively for girls. From young women exploring writing to seasoned professionals practicing their craft every day, GWN is a community of women writers dedicated to providing guidance, support, and opportunities for high school girls to develop their creative, independent voices and write their way to a better future. Over the past 15 years, more than 4,500 underserved teen girls have benefitted from the GWN community and 100% of seniors in our flagship mentoring program go on to college—bringing with them portfolios, awards, scholarships, new skills, and a sense of confidence. Girls Write Now has built a record of achievement and innovation recognized twice by the White House, by The New York Times, and the MacArthur Foundation, and evidenced by the hundreds of Scholastic Art & Writing awards our girls have earned.

Mighty Writers’ mission is to teach Philadelphia kids to think and write with clarity. Our free programs combat the literacy crisis in a city where nearly half of high school students drop out and some 50% of working-age adults are functionally illiterate (can’t read bank statements, fill out job applications or easily comprehend news articles). Today, Mighty Writers offers year-round writing programs for some 1,000 kids and teens, ages seven to 17, with help from 300 volunteers. At our headquarters in one of Philadelphia’s historic neighborhoods, we offer an afterschool writing academy, themed writing workshops, one-on-one mentorships, a weekly teen lounge, SAT preparatory courses and college essay writing classes. Our programs draw students from more than 125 city schools (public, parochial, magnet, charter, cyber, home) and an array of communities.”

Seriously, how cool is this bundle? Not only do you get a wide array of thrilling reads perfect for the spooky Halloween season, but you also get a chance to help out some truly deserving folks.

Grab your bundle now by going here!

Videos, Signings, and More…

Just a couple of items to catch you up on…

1. This Friday night, October 18th, 2013 at 6:30pm, I will be having my “official” launch party for THE UNDEAD HORDES OF KAN-GUL at Park Street Books in Medfield, MA. The store is located right on route 109, 504 Main Street. It’s an awesome place, filled with amazing books – including mine. The event will probably last about two hours and I’m hoping to see a ton of people there. Please join me if you can!

2. Yesterday saw the debut of not one, but two different videos. The first is a quick promo I did for the above-mentioned signing.

The second is the book trailer for THE UNDEAD HORDES. Check that out here:

3. My publisher sent me about a zillion bookmarks and post cards for THE UNDEAD HORDES events I have coming up. I don’t expect that I’ll be using them all. I’m trying to figure out how to get some out to my awesome fans who aren’t local. More news on that when I have it.

bookmarks and postcards

4. Finally, this past weekend, we took some family photos over at Rexhame Beach in Marshfield, MA. Here are two that I’ll be using for promotional purposes. (Can you tell it was a bit windy?)

Jon F. Merz headshot1Jon F. Merz headshot2