How I Deal With Fear

scared

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A lot has been said about living without fear or having no fear at all. But these ideas miss a key point: how do you actually deal with fear when it arises in your life?

I spent the majority of my youth living in fear of one sort or another. Not that I was an abused child or anything – far from it – but my life was full of fear regardless. Much of it might seem trivial now, and certainly looking back on it with the eyes of a 45 year old man, I might even shake my head at some of it. But at the time, the things that caused me fear seemed to occupy my life fully and without regard for anything else.

Early on, my very first nightmare that I can remember was of the Count from Sesame Street. From there on, vampires scared the living shit out of me. Seriously. When PBS broadcast the 1976(?) BBC production of Dracula, I saw part of it one night with my dad and was so freaking scared that I slept on the floor surrounded by crosses that my dad made out of two drinking straws. I was convinced that the bloodsuckers would come for me.

When I wasn’t busy living in fear of the undead, I was terrified that I would throw up from some stomach sickness. I hated puking and one of the things I dreaded most was the thought of getting a stomach bug. Regular flu? Awesome. As long as I didn’t vomit, I was cool with it.

And then there were the bullies in my life. From the lumbering ox who lived up the street from me to the jackass at school, I spent my first fifteen years living in perpetual fear that I would get punched out. And never having been actually punched, I always imagined it would be similar to nuclear armageddon.

So yeah, me and fear? We were close.

Too close.

Around about my 15th year alive on this planet, I decided that enough was enough. I was tired of living scared. It was keeping me from enjoying my life and I had plans and goals to accomplish. I had to come up with a way to handle fear.

With the school bully still an ubiquitous threat, I started studying martial arts. Nothing formal at first, just messing around with some friends who had the same interest. But we sparred and learned some shit and thought we were badasses and put on a show at school one snowy night when I had a fever of about 103 degrees and still went on to do a sword demonstration anyway (which taught me a lot about getting shit done regardless of suffering) and basically enjoyed a bit of a power trip. From there, my study of martial arts became much more extensive, eventually bringing me to Japan in February 2003 to earn my 5th degree black belt in Bujinkan Ninjutsu direct from the 34th grandmaster himself.

But back on my first night at my teacher’s Ninjutsu dojo, I saw people being thrown and rolling around in ways that terrified me. How in the world was I ever going to learn how to do that? I’d never even really somersaulted before in my life. And here they were doing front rolls, back rolls, side rolls, dive rolls, and more.

Fear gripped me and gripped me hard.

So I did the only thing I knew how to do: I faced the fear head on. From that day on, I went out into the woods by myself and practiced throwing myself around, hitting the soft pine-needled ground in the Arnold Arboretum time after time after time after time – again and again and again – until the grip of fear around me loosened and I began to relax. My ukemi (as it’s known in Japanese) became second nature. I moved out of the soft forest floor and on to concrete, repeating the same process. Over and over, on different surfaces, on hills, over rocks and branches, over cars, over obstacles, over bodies. If it made me nervous, I did it.

And eventually, my ukemi got pretty damned good.

And I stopped fearing the idea of rolling or vaulting or otherwise hitting the ground. I’d been thrown in so many different and dangerous fashions over the years, and my body was so well attuned to knowing how to relax and absorb the impact, that I simply stopped being afraid of it.

Which, naturally, is when the universe stepped in and decided I needed some humbling…

At my CrossFit box, one of my coaches started a gymnastics class. And one of the things he’s covering is handstands. As part of the training, you need to know how to forward roll out of a handstand in case you need to bail.

Easy day, right? After all, ol’ Jon here has rolling down pat. No sweat. Got this.

Not quite.

You see, there’s a big difference between what I learned in terms of real world rolling and what a gymnastics front roll is. Specifically, my martial arts rolling involves more of a diagonal front roll, taking place from the shoulder obliquely across to the opposite hip. This is how you roll on the ground, concrete, etcetera in order to avoid damaging your spine.

In gymnastics, however, that forward roll starts at the base of your skull, and then travels down along the spinal cord. Provided you tuck your chin into your chest, everything should be well and good. And in theory, this should be a piece of cake for me.

But it’s not.

Not only am I used to rolling differently, I’m also used to having throws and such be fast. I’m inverted for maybe a second before I recover and get back up on my feet. In gymnastics, however, I’m working on getting inverted and staying inverted for a longer period of time. My arms are also extended and locked out to support my body. In order to forward roll, I have to first bend them, descend, and then enter the roll itself.

And I’m scared again.

So, like every other time I’ve been afraid of something in my life, I run toward the fear and meet it head-on. I’ll be forcing myself to go in and work on bailing from a handstand until it becomes second-nature to me and the fear loses its grip. It won’t be easy – this sort of work never is – but the rewards are worth it.

Fear is obviously necessary in our lives. It protects us to a certain extent, but it can also hinder us. And allowing yourself to be hindered by fear could be deadly.

I was the junior man one time a long while back and as we were traveling single file at night in an urban environment. I’d wound up at the back with our point man being very experienced and the seniormost guy in the middle. If threats had presented themselves to the front of our formation, the point man could have easily handled them. I felt pretty safe at the back. But we soon realized that the area we were in wasn’t where we thought and we had to retrace our steps. Instead of letting the point man move back and re-assume his position, we simply turned around. Now I was on point. And instead of feeling relatively safe, I was the one who would have to handle the threats as they presented themselves. Fear was there, but I had no choice but to move ahead presumably toward the danger.

And that’s how I’ve always operated: when fear comes at you, meet it head-on. Whether it’s fear of a roller coaster or something far worse, never let fear immobilize you. Keep moving. Always.

I was scared of bullies punching me until I faced my fear and learned that getting punched isn’t the worst thing that can happen to you. Anytime something looks uncomfortable or painful or terrifying, my instinct is to always move toward it, meet it head-on, and conquer it or otherwise remove whatever power it holds over me.

Fear is a constant in our day-to-day living. Physical, mental, and spiritual roadblocks spring up because we’re afraid of doing this or that. How much fear is there in your life? What scares you? What immobilizes you? What stops you from meeting it head-on? And imagine if you did meet it head-on.

Eleanor Roosevelt said to “do one thing every day that scares you.” I happen to agree. Only by meeting fear head-on do we learn how to mitigate it and lessen its impact in our lives. Only by meeting my fears head-on have I overcome them in my life. Whether it was forcing myself to stay overnight in a cemetery to overcome the fear of vampires (okay, I know a trip to Dracula’s castle in Transylvania would have probably been better, but I had budgetary problems, lol), subjecting myself to getting sprayed with pepper spray, throwing myself all over the woods to get better at rolling, moving through an ambush on the streets of Chinatown, or going in today to practice bailing out of a handstand, the process is the same: meet your fears head-on. Get up close and personal with them. Subject yourself to the discomfort and terror of that which seeks to control you and then do it until you aren’t uncomfortable any longer.

This isn’t living with “no fear” or any of the other silly catchphrases self-help gurus use. It’s simply living in such a way that fear doesn’t control you.

In spite of fear, you still accomplish everything you want.

Who Dares Lives.

How to Be a BadAss

badassThis isn’t a “feel good” post where I tell you how wonderful you are for just being you. It’s a kick in the ass to get your shit straight and do something more than you ever have before. It’s your wake-up call to become a badass. But it’s going to take work and dedication. Here’s how you start:

1. Get Over Yourself: Realize your problems are only as big as you make them. This is not to belittle anyone’s issues, because certainly some problems, are in fact, bigger than others. But there’s one thing you can always control about problems: how you react to them. Some people think their world is going to explode over the littlest things and some other people can have a debilitating accident and come back stronger than ever. The one constant? They chose how to react.

2. Learn Some Shit: Seriously. Pick up a book and read. Put down the TV remote. Play Quiz Up on your phone and play in categories you know nothing about. Ask someone about their job and what they do even if you have no desire to do it. Learn about how other people live. The world is much, much bigger than the little box most of us live in. In order to have a greater perspective you need to know more about a whole lot of stuff.

3. Challenge Yourself Everyday: Don’t shy away from a chance to be better or to take a chance. You only grow by challenging yourself and what you did yesterday. Get out of your comfort zone and get comfortable being uncomfortable. And I’m not just talking about challenging yourself in, say, the gym. That’s great. But you’ve got to challenge yourself every single day in all aspects of your life. Why did you react that way to that idiotic driver? Why did you get mad? Sure, sometimes it’s justifiable, but for the most part, it’s probably not. (This is something I happen to struggle with, so I figured I’d use it as an illustration of how I try to deal with it…) Also, note that I am not talking about having an inner monologue where you constantly destroy yourself with thoughts like, “I’m stupid, I suck, I’m an idiot.” But I *am* talking about constantly checking yourself. Challenge your thought process and you’ll start to understand a whole lot more about who you are as a person. And knowing yourself is pretty damned important.

4. Exercise: You’ve got one body, don’t let it fall apart on you. I’ve lost count of how many Facebook updates I see where people who should know better just let themselves go to shit. Writers especially. I can count on one hand the number of writers I know who are active about their fitness. The rest sit around all day and eventually find their bodies are a mess. Clean your diet up as well. You don’t have to become a vega-nazi, but if you’re eating fast food every day then you’re pretty much poisoning yourself. Try to eat better five days each week and give yourself two days to cheat and eat bad stuff and drink if you wish. It’ll keep you somewhat sane and at the same time, clean up your system.

5. Give Back: Other people aren’t as fortunate as you – no matter where you are in life – so make a point to help someone. Even if it’s just a smile or a few minutes listening to them. You’d be amazed how few people actually know how to listen. Give someone a hand and help them reach the next rung on the ladder. Generate some good karma. Don’t be a selfish jerk. And fer cryin’ out loud, don’t be a cheap prick. There are few things worse than a cheap tightwad who has convinced himself he’s somehow wise about money because he scored a coupon and saved a few bucks. Cheap people aren’t just cheap financially, they’re cheap emotionally. Don’t be like that. I’m pretty sure no one on their death bed ever said, “thank god I got the two-for-one special instead of splurging that night.” Life is about experiences; not about waiting until the day after Halloween to buy all your candy for next year at 90% off.

6. Dream Big. Aspire to something. Get crazy and realize a dream that you’ve been chasing for years or have backburnered because you’re a certain age and think you shouldn’t want that anymore. What? Fuck that. Get after it.

7. Create a Legacy: Make something that will endure after you’re gone. Write a book. Paint a picture. Sing a song and record it. None of these have to be published or hang in a gallery on play on a radio station, but make them anyway so that future generations will have the chance to know you and what you were passionate about. You are not defined by your children; you are defined by who you are and how you live.

8. Stop Complaining: seriously. Just stop. Too hard? Then try going 24 hours without bitching about anything. Build up from there. You’d be utterly and completely amazed how much your perspective changes when you stop wasting energy on complaining. After all, complaining does absolutely nothing except make you feel momentarily better by giving it voice. Imagine how much better you’d feel if you actually changed something instead of simply complaining about it.

9. Dare: Dare to live. Dare to go against the flow. Dare to be an individual and not a sheep. Dare to laugh in the face of adversity. Dare to ignore what others will say about you. Dare to go off on some wild adventure. Dare to flirt. Dare to feel passion within your chest again. Dare to imagine a different life than the one you have and see if you want to make some changes for real. Dare to be outrageous. Dare to laugh more. Dare to open yourself up and let others into your world. Dare to be vulnerable. Dare to change your hairstyle. Dare to dance in the rain. Dare to be the full embodiment of a true human being. Dare to be YOU.

***

Look, your life comes down to this: you can either stay where you are, complain endlessly about useless shit, spew negative energy out into the universe every time you complain about something in your life you don’t like OR you can change your life into what you used to dream it would be. You can’t sit there and read this and think, “yeah but…” and give yourself an out by creating an excuse. Fuck that shit. Fuck your excuses. Fuck settling for what you don’t truly want.

Change is hard, but so is anything worthwhile. So what? You’d rather live a life full of misery and negative energy? Guess what? That shit catches up with you and manifests itself in your physical, mental, and spiritual health. You can literally create your own death by being awash in negativity.

What you have to stop doing is the same old shit, over and over again and expecting things to somehow change miraculously. If you’re some place in your life where you find yourself complaining on a daily basis, being jealous of others who don’t struggle like you do, or are resentful of something, then you need to change and you need to do it now. The old way ain’t working. Change it up. Change your perspective. Change how you react to stuff.

“Yeah, but…”

No.

“Easier said than done.”

No shit. I never said it would be easy anyway. In some ways, this will be the absolute toughest stuff you’ve ever attempted before.

“It’s just that…”

No, it fucking isn’t.

Those are excuses you’re generating to save yourself from doing the hard work of change. And if you keep making excuses, you will never, ever change. You’ll just continue to wallow in the cesspool of your unhappy existence, complaining to anyone who has the patience to listen to your whining. Being a badass isn’t something you “sorta” do; you either do it all the way, or you don’t. You either make the changes needed or you stay the same. And if you want it bad enough, you’ll find a way to do it. Or you’ll just find another excuse to remain the same.

Climb out of the cesspool and start taking charge of your life. People are pissing you off? Deep-six them. You hate your job? Put some money away and then quit it and find a new one. Your relationship sucks? Bin it and find someone new. There are six billion people on this planet – chances are good there’s someone better out there for you. Is your progress stalled at the gym? Change up your training and start making gains again.

You can be a badass – an honest-to-god badass – but you’ve got to be honest with yourself, do the hard work, and not settle for anything less than your dreams. The vast majority of people on this planet do not possess the perseverance to do this. The vast majority of people on this planet are either miserable or have conned themselves into thinking that mediocrity is acceptable and safe and as close to happiness as they will ever come.

Not you.

If you’ve read this far, then there is a part of you (and it doesn’t matter how tiny) that wants to do something more, to aspire to greater heights, to not settle for mediocrity, to live with passion and hope and happiness, and to see your dreams come true.

You can do it. I know you can. Others have already done it. Others with far less than you have.

Believe in yourself. Don’t make excuses. Get your head down and do the work.

You want it? Go get it.

Never Quit.

The Only Time The Answer is a Definite “No”

ask.jpgIt amazes me how many people want something and yet never do the easiest thing in the world before deciding that they’ll never get the thing they desire.

What is it that they fail to do?

Ask for it.

Asking is, at its core, a risk. You’re putting something out there – a desire – in the hopes that the person who has the power to make your wish come true, agrees to grant it. You are exposing yourself and the want that you have in front of others.

The problem is our society does not reward risk. It rewards safe, acceptable behavior. So for a lot of people, the idea of asking for something they want is alien to them. They’ve been programmed by our culture, by parents, by authority figures in our lives to save themselves the effort of asking, because, you know, “the answer’s probably going to be no.”

In fact, the ONLY time the answer is a DEFINITE “no,” is when you fail to ask for it. Then it is absolutely 100% of the time a “no.”

Asking for something guarantees you the possibility – even if it is slight – that you may actually get what you’re asking for. Yet again, most people would rather have a concrete NO than the slimmest chance of a YES. Why? Because the slimmest chance means there’s hope. And hope sometimes leads to disappointment if the answer does turn out to be no. Usually, what follows is an internal beatdown. “I knew it was going to be no. I don’t know why I even bothered asking. I should have just stayed quiet and not wasted my time.”

But think about how many times in your life you’ve already taken a risk and asked for something that DID end well.

Have you ever had a relationship? At some point, you had to ask for something. A phone number. A date. A kiss. A sweaty roll in the hay.

What about in your job? Did you ever ask for a raise? A promotion?

One of the most important things you can do for yourself is ask for things. Ask for help. Ask for solutions. Ask for something you want.

When you were a kid, inevitably you probably asked for a cookie at some point. Many times, the answer was no. “You’ll ruin your appetite for dinner. You just had one. You don’t need another one.” But every once in awhile, you got that cookie. And the number of times you got told no didn’t necessarily impact you enough to stop asking for the cookie. Because you knew that if you asked, there was a chance mom or dad would say yes.

As you grow, that hope diminishes in many people. We start to see how the world works. We see people in power as the incredible figures who would never deign to bequeath some request upon those far below them. Our perspective of ourselves either grows or shrinks depending on how we process risk and reward, and whether we have a higher tolerance for risk and taking chances. Those who seek security and stability – whether inherent within their nature or programmed by parents – are less likely to ask for the things they want. Conversely, those who are more comfortable with risk are far more likely to ask for what they want.

And here’s the thing: the more you ask for things, the better the odds are that you will get what you want. Behavior, after all, begets itself. Ask for one thing every single day and eventually, asking for anything becomes easier. But the opposite is also true: shy away from asking and it gets harder to do that until you simply cease and become accepting of whatever crumbs you can scavenge.

No thanks.

Don’t be a scavenger. Be an active risk-taker.

Ask for what you want. You may not always get it.

But you just might.

And a maybe is always better than a definite no. At least in my book!

Turn Off Your Automatic Excuse Generator

Making-Excuses-Does-Not-Produce-ResultsA couple of weeks ago I was riding shotgun in my friend’s car. As we took a turn, he nearly sideswiped a mailbox. When I mentioned it to him, he shrugged it off.

“Yeah, this car is a little wide.”

Uh…no, it’s not that the car was wide, he had incorrectly estimated how much space he had.

The exchange got me thinking about how much of our thinking is wired to provide rapid and ready-made excuses (defenses) against criticism we may receive. Rather than admit that he’d made a mistake, my friend came up with a defense that while in this case was reasonable to some extent, also gave him the opportunity to avoid confronting the idea that he’d screwed up and nearly taken out a mailbox.

How many times in our daily lives do we do this? How many times does our Automatic Excuse Generator enable us to avoid a failure of some sort? Our AEG is incredibly adept at distorting logic and reality so we don’t have to “suffer” through the realization of our own shortcomings, but is such a thing always good? Or does it actually deprive us of the ability to improve and perhaps even see opportunities in our own failures?

Imagine how much clearer your thinking would be if instead of coming up with excuses that nullify or dampen the impact of criticism, we instead simply nodded, accepted the critique, and then made adjustments to improve?

One day at CrossFit, after a particularly grueling workout, one of my coaches came over as I was panting and desperate for oxygen and showed me a quick video clip he’d shot of me doing rapid-fire air squats. He then proceeded to spend about five minutes going over ways I could improve, adjust my knee position, and more.

It would have been easy to have my AEG kick in and explain away my bad form by saying something like, “Yeah, I was really tired at this point.” Or, “My legs were so sore.”

Instead, I listened to everything he said, really focusing on absorbing his points because they were all extremely valid and worthwhile – and now I have something to work on for the future, which will improve my performance and probably lessen any lingering muscle pain the next time air squats come up in a workout.

Excuses are a sort of self-defense mechanism. No one likes to be wrong. No one likes to admit that they did something less well than they could have. So on the surface, excuses protect us from embarrassment and insecurity and the like. But on a deeper level, excuses actually hurt us and damage our ability to see things objectively.

And being able to view things objectively is a critical life skill that many people lack.

Think about it in terms of something like intelligence gathering. Pretend you’re a spy and you’ve been assigned to watch a storage facility where there *might* be something fishy happening. You have no real information at the outset aside from an order to conduct surveillance from the relative comfort of your car. (Relative being the operative word, but at least you’re not on foot out in the cold) As you sit in your car overlooking the facility, you notice two individuals carrying garbage bags entering. An hour later, one of them leaves. He returns forty minutes later with a large duffel bag, approximately four feet in length that seems to be bulging at odd angles. Two hours later, both men leave.

As you read the above paragraph, did your mind start to create possibilities about what could be inside the garbage bags? Or what might have caused the duffel bag to bulge? Did you think about what they could have been up to inside the facility? Were they building a bomb? Did the duffel bag have weapons in it?

A well-trained operative would only include objective observations in his report, noting the times and description of the men who entered the facility. He would note that they carried garbage bags in and that later one of them brought in a duffel bag that appeared full of non-soft items that caused it to bulge.

But someone who allows their reality to be obscured would have filled their report with musings and suspicions about what might be in the bags and what the men might be up to. The result of that subjective report might be a decision to raid the facility, wasting hundreds of man hours, millions of dollars, and a potentially burned operation when it turns out that those men might simply have been innocent dudes storing some old family memorabilia in the building.

This is obviously a very simplistic example of objectivity versus subjectivity, but the point is valid nonetheless. When you let excuses dominate your perspective, you lose sight of what reality is. If you forever give yourself a pass when you should be working on correcting something, then all you do is add another layer of fog to your vision.

It’s not easy, nor is it necessarily fun. But stripping away excuses and being able to call yourself on your own liabilities is crucial to personal development and evolution or even simply getting better at something.

It can be startling when you start paying attention to how your own mind works to “protect” you – when you see how many times each day you generate some sort of excuse rather than face up to the fact that you screwed up in some capacity. This isn’t to say that this is entirely BAD, but it should be kept in balance. It’s not healthy to be forever critiquing yourself, either, but most of us deliver far more excuses than critiques.

So every once in a while, turn off your Automatic Excuse Generator and check yourself. You might be amazed at how much clearer your focus and drive get when you aren’t constantly giving yourself a pass. It can take some getting used to, but self-improvement is never easy.

And imagine what you can accomplish when you’re actually improving instead of making excuses.

Who Wants A Hug?

11609754-hug-couponI do.

I spent last night catching up with a buddy of mine who is just back from distant lands. We got to talking about perceptions of strength and weakness and how those perceptions get portrayed in media, how society treats them, and how both of us have been affected by those perceptions.

My friend is stereotypically the strong, silent type. Lots of compact muscle layered on a shorter frame with a strong jawline and piercing eyes. He has little tolerance for bullshit, tends not to sugar coat things, and is loyal to his dying breath. He’s the man you want beside you going into a fight. Superficially, if you saw him, you wouldn’t think anything fazes the guy. He projects strength and confidence and presence; plus he’s a good-looking dude. He doesn’t let his guard down, and his inner circle is fiercely protected; you don’t get in there unless he knows you have his back.

According to how strength is portrayed in the media, this guy shouldn’t want for anything. He’s got it all. Women are drawn to him even if they don’t really know how to handle him because he’s so utterly unlike the typical guy. He forges his own path, and tends not to give a shit what others think of him.

But once you get past the exterior, once you get to know him, you realize that while he is strong, he also needs love and support and a friendly smile. Yeah, he’s strong, but his strength was earned by waging constant battle against the insecurities that shackle the cowardly. Yes, he’s brave, but that courage was earned facing fears that hamstring others too timid to stand up for anything. He has scars and deep wounds from the constant betrayal of lesser souls who see in him someone they could never be because they are too weak to do what he has done.

He tries not to let these things bother him. He has grand ambitions, goals, quests, and the like. He sees the bigger picture and knows that the pitiful examples of humanity that have betrayed him or hate him or wish him ill will have their own private hell to endure here on earth – a hell of wasted days, lazy uninspiring Facebook status updates, and a failure to leave any sort of legacy for future generations – and that that is punishment enough for their actions. (We disagree a bit here since I think that sometimes these people need a good ass-kicking, but whatever…)

But the truth is, it does hurt. This strong man does feel pain. He feels the cut of betrayal like a keen knife that sears deep into his soul – especially when it comes from someone he might have once loved and trusted.

Society rejects that notion that he could be hurt. Strength in society is viewed very much as an absolute quality. If you’re strong, you don’t need anything. You don’t need love or support or a wink or a hug or a text or an invite to grab a drink. Or even just the knowledge that someone has your back.

You’re all set.

Except you’re not.

Underneath his hard exterior, my friend is riotously funny. His sarcasm is brilliant. He’s a ferocious romantic who loves the idea of sweeping a woman off her feet and making her feel like she is his entire world. He writes poetry, knows the meanings behind every color of rose, and can talk philosophy for hours on end.

In some ways, his strength enables him to understand weakness even more than most would ever realize. In some ways, he hurts more because it takes a far more grievous wound to affect him due to his strength.

But, y’know…he’s strong, so he’s totally fine.

Right?

Wrong.

Strength gets taken for granted; weakness gets its own parade.

Look at how society rallies around supposed “underdogs.” And I say supposed because the fact is, a true underdog is someone with grand ambition and goals, who, for one reason or another, has yet to accomplish those goals. True underdogs are brimming with the desire to get out there and get shit done.

Most of the so-called underdogs that get celebrated today are actually just lazy people who do a good job of talking up their suffering to the point that they achieve a pity play from those who buy into their bullshit. These so-called underdogs continue to remain underdogs, because they actually *aren’t* underdogs at all. They’re just whiny do-nothings. Can you imagine the story of David and Goliath if David had just sorta laid around, played video games all day, and talked about what he’d do one day, y’know, if his back kinda didn’t ache right now and hey, what are you guys doing, wanna hang out?

Don’t get me wrong, the second David is pretty freakin’ sad. But he doesn’t need a pity party; he needs a swift kick in the ass – he needs someone to tell him to wake the hell up, go grab life by the horns, and make some friends. The real David had bold dreams to take on a huge force of evil. He literally walked out there knowing the odds were stacked against him. THAT is something to celebrate and get behind.

Then there are the malicious folks who are beset by tragedy. And all of a sudden all those past transgressions get forgotten. People rally around them and proclaim the next coming of Jesus Christ.

I don’t wish ill on anyone; and tragedy anytime it strikes is indeed tragic and I only wish those affected by it the best. But let me be blunt: tragedy does not negate past transgressions. Ownership and apologies negate past transgressions.

Unless that tragedy makes those malicious people wake up and realize that they have been utter douchebags and then compels them to set about rectifying everything they did, there’s no need to rally behind them. Some would argue that the tragedy that befell them is simply Karma making its long overdue appearance. Put out enough bad energy into the universe and sooner or later the universe is gonna stamp “return to sender” on the envelopes and send them right back to you – sometimes all at once. I don’t know if that’s true or not, but I sure don’t feel like testing the theory out. I try to put out good in the hopes that good comes back to me.

I suppose it’s understandable. Society tends to celebrate the weak because most people are, in fact, weak. So we see a lot of ourselves in those who put their misery on display. We have more in common with someone who has been trampled on and has no more desire to stand up and fight than we do with the true warrior who gets knocked down and gets back up every single time with a look that says, “is that all you got?”

Strength is intimidating. But strong people aren’t one dimensional stereotypes. I told my buddy last night about a time I was out with friends. One of them was leaving and gave the buddy next to me a big hug. I got a wave. When I jokingly asked, “What – I don’t get a hug?” this friend looked at me strangely. “You want a hug?”

Well, yeah…I do want a hug. I like giving hugs. I like getting hugs (good hugs, mind you, not those crappy ones most people pass off) I’m a hugger. I’m also strong. But that doesn’t mean I don’t appreciate sincere forms of affection from a friend.

I have another close pal who is near the pinnacle of his profession. He’s driven, focused, and strong. He’s also a big softie, a romantic, and has a brilliant mind. I count myself lucky and extremely fortunate to be his friend. But other people I talk to say that he’s distant.

He’s distant for the same reason many strong people are distant: we’re wondering if you can actually hang with us. We’re wondering if you can understand our focus and drive – if you hold yourself to the same standards that we hold ourselves to. We’re wondering if you’re someone strong, who knows what it’s like to have a dream and chase that fuckin’ dream to the end of the universe and back until we accomplish it. We’re wondering if you know how much we’ve sacrificed to get to where we are and to where we will go. We’re wondering if you see the scars we have from doing what most deem impossible. We’re wondering if you’re going to stab us in the back when we let you into our world. We’re wondering if you’re going to give back the same level of intensity and affection that we will give to you. We’re wondering all of these things because we’ve seen it all. The path we walk is a lonely one, but the experiences we have are shared by very few and the views we see are seen by even fewer.

We’re strong, yes.

But that doesn’t mean we don’t feel pain or that we don’t get hurt or feel alone. If anything, the strong are, in fact, the true underdogs because we are the ones that face down immense odds and give everything we have in pursuit of dreams, goals, and higher ideals.

So celebrate strength and not weakness & douchebaggery. Don’t be intimidated by the strong. Admire and respect it and never, ever betray it.

And by the way, we’d still really like that hug.